From my journal...

This is taken from an entry in my journal on the night 11/14/05 shortly before my father passed away:

"As I reflect on life at the moment, sitting beside my dying father, I conclude that it is a screwy thing. I am not the first person to reach this conclusion, nor will I be the last. You would think that given as many people as have discovered this difficult fact, someone (maybe "them") would turn it into a scientific principle to be taught in schools, mandated as a state standard. Instead, it is a fact sometimes trivialized by clichés, other times hidden from view. Something one must encounter and comprehend in their own fashion.

"This year has been one of the craziest, without a doubt, in my life. But as marred by terrible tragedies, loss, and grief, there too have been extraordinary, fantastic, and special moments. These moments are what confuse me because although I want to call this year the worst year of my life, "a really shitty year," as Stasia would say, I feel like this generalization discounts the wonderful events and the thousands of smiles that I smile this year. The conundrum of life, I suppose, is that it is so complicated that you can't capture it in words.

"Listening to my father's harsh, raspy breathing, I can't help but wonder when the sound will stop. A part of my is subconsciously waiting for the moment. His breathe, as difficult as it is for him to obtain, is the only essential quality the separates him from death. The similarities to my mother's condition are eerie. And so, with the look on his face, I know what comes next."

A Paperweight on the Desk of Life

Okay, so if you spent much time with me over the past several weeks, you'll know that one of the biggest banes of my existence has been this stupid desk I bought months ago and was incapable of putting together. No, it has nothing to do with lack of skill, or lack of manliness for that matter. It has everything to do with crazy foreigners who write in all pictures of a million pieces somehow coming together into a cheap desk in just 15 incredibly complicated steps. So, yesterday I came home from school and guess what...I had a desk! It was like a miracle, a sign from god [speaking of which...on a completely tangental note: I taught my third graders to say OMG today, it was pretty darn funny]. It turns out my brother-in-law, Cliff, after hearing me complain enough, took it upon himself to build it. He works in construction and has built much more complicated things than my desk, so it was a piece of cake for him. For me? Forget about it! So, he did it and I am forever in his debt. And now I'm sitting at my desk, in my rolly desk chair, soaking in the awesomeness of having furniture. Now I just have to get Vinny to move all his junk out of the room and buy some bookshelves and other stuff and move more stuff over and put some stuff on the walls and cover up this horrific wallpaper that luckily only lives on one of my walls and my room might actually become livable. Oh, I need a new bed too. Well, we've at least taken a step in the right direction. Oh! And the title of this entry relates to my belief about 7 years ago that if I were any object on the desk of life, I would be a paperweight. I don't feel that way anymore. :0)

Today was an exciting day at school because my teacher was gone so I taught the whole day. It went so well. I love my class! They really are the best. For some reason, I think my favorite part of the day was teaching cursive. We learned to write "e" and "l" and added it to the c, a, d, and g that we already knew. I think I like it because I was so horrible about it in school and now my handwriting is like six times better and looks even better when compared to theirs. Actually, their cursive is really good. I'm pretty impressed. But I never thought I'd be doing cursive lessons. I just wish I could bring all of you to meet my class, you'd fall in love with them.

Poetry for Mom

My mom passed away Saturday at 12:15 AM. I'll write more later, but I thought I'd throw that out there and include this poem that I wrote just hours before it happened. Thank you for all the love and support you have shown me during this difficult year. I can't imagine what this would be like without all the support I've received. I'm so lucky and blessed.

“For Mom”

Tonight I feel like a motherless child,

Suddenly alone

Abandoned involuntarily,
But abandoned nonetheless
To cry 2005 tears,
Find my own way,
Breathe for myself.

It is scary,
Hard,
All the words that accompany loss,
Losing someone,
A void in your heart.

2005 tears
Can’t fill the void too deep too…
Because you were supposed to fill it
With your support,
Love,
Warmth.
Motherly compassion I miss,
Taken too soon, too young.
Who’s advice shall I seek?Who’s house shall I find on Christmas,
Easter,
Thanksgiving.

You prepared me for independence,
But not for being
motherless

SB pictures up for grabs

I just realized that some of you might be interested in viewing some pics from my summer with Summerbridge. If so, feel free to browse through the following website as much as your heart desires:

http://agsedu.splink.net/gallery/Summerbridge

Yay for pictures documenting my days with long hair! Who knows when they might come again.

Feeling loss

Loss.

My mom's condition is getting pretty bad. The cancer has spread to her brain making her confused, incoherent, and basically at times I feel like I don't even know her. I was supposed to be in San Diego last weekend. I left last Thursday just before my family decided to take her into the hospital where they discovered the cancer in her brain. On Friday I received a call from my grandma informing me that if I'd like to see my mom alive, I should come home right away. I did. Not before I toured San Diego, explored Balboa Park, ate at In and Out, and walked along the beach boardwalk checking out the sailor boys and surfer dudes. ;-) After some time in the hospital, she got better and was released home, but she was also placed under Hospice care. My sister flew in along with her daughters (Dani and Madi) and her best friend, Chris. She's been the main caregiver and I've felt kinda lost as to what to say and do for my mom. I feel so much more prepared for her death than for her life in this state. I don't know how long she will hold on, according to my grandma's call this morning- not long, but I refuse to believe anything my grandma says until I see for my own eyes. Yesterday I realized that bills important to me (i.e. car insurance and cell phone) were not getting payed because normally my mom takes care of them. Now the job is passed along to me. This is very unfortunate because for the rest of the year I will not be working and thus be earning no money. I may be getting a sizeable refund from Vanderbilt, however, that should prove useful. Nonetheless, I've realized that I'm no longer a dependent, but now a struggling independent which I've been trying to put off for as long as possible. That's a little scary. I'm about to own a car and have my own cell phone plan and shop for auto insurance and who knows what else. Isn't it scary enough that I'm about to graduate, let alone taking on all these other things. Man, I wish the car that I'm about to own was a little better. On top of it all, I just lost my strongest outside-of-family support system in town today and all my other friends have left. I don't know how this worked out so that all my favorite people from high school managed to move away just as I got back in town. Nonetheless, it happened. Thank god for Summerbridge because I feel like I have at least a fair number of people in town I can connect with and many of them have already offered a lot of support seeing as they were dealing with me during some stressful and rough times with my family. I miss Vanderbilt people though. I have no idea when I'll get to see them or if, in the case of those who graduated, I'll ever see them again. The point of this message is that I miss people. I miss the way my mom used to be, I miss all those people that I won't see for so long, and I miss all the people who've left for other places. The condolence is that I have a lot of family around now to offer support and that is nice. But still, I miss you.

I miss you lots.

Heart.

symbolizing hair

So I got a hair cut today. To say the least, it was a substantial cut. I'll probably shock a lot of the people that didn't know me before I had long hair. I needed it though. Not that I necessarily needed to cut it all off and I did like the long hair a lot on some days. Still, I wanted to go short to mark the newness in my life. As I transition into new territory, difficult territory, mostly with regards to moving towards life without my mom, my hair serves as a physical step into the new. Today I realized that there are some pros and cons to having short hair.

The pros: First, I can drive around with the windows down without it getting so annoying because it's blowing my hair all over. This means that I don't have to use the air conditioner so much in the car and saving on gas is critical based on the number of trips I've been making back and forth from Elk Grove/South Sac to North Sac and any other place I might need to venture. I also don't have to worry about my hair falling into my face at annoying, inopertune intervals. Plus, I'll use less shampoo and not leave long strands of hair all over the place which doesn't really annoy me, but it does other people.

The cons: I think the cons are more psychological. I realized that I could hide away from things with my long hair. I'd just tilt my head down and the hair would cover up my face. I feel so exposed now. I guess I had been hiding from a lot of truths that are difficult to deal with and now I can't. Now I've got to face the loss, the pain, the anger, the frustration, the sadness. I could also shake my head before and the long strands of hair would swish and sweep away the bad thoughts and images. Now, even though I still catch myself doing it, nothing happens when I shake my head. I'm stuck with the thoughts and images. Like right now, I feel frustrated in a lot of ways, but mostly frustrated (sparing you the details) at timing, at being screwed over by things beyond my control, at inability to know what to do about things, and at the world in general for not cooperating like it should. And I've got to feel it cuz I have no protective layer around my brain to block it out.

Summerbridge...to hell

OMG

Back to the world of non-summerbridgey commitments. Boy, does that program ever suck up your entire life! I spent soooo much time and energy trying to get through the summer (how soon I forgot how grueling it is) that I was left incredibly exhausted and (if I may say so myself) quite irritable by the end of the day. When you add on top of it all a lot of craziness with regards to my mom and slowing moving out and maintaining my sanity, life was fairly hectic during the past two months. Hopefully, now that the burden of SB has ended, I will be able to regain focus on things that matter in the world (i.e. blogging). Although, student-teaching is just around the corner and that might bring some craziness with it as well.

I'm really hoping that teaching isn't as bad as summerbridge. I really don't want to be stressed and tired all the time. It's one thing to bare it for 8 weeks, but another thing to do it for 9 months. I forgot how it sucks up your time, energy, and basically your whole life. But, man, when you're there it feels so worth it. I feel bad for my family though. I am so summerbridgey and energetic all day long. Don't even get me started singing the Bazooka Bubblegum song. I can even give the cheerleaders a run for their money with my cheer action. This one girl, Pa Shoua, who is very quiet and who I had never had a conversation with until halfway through the summer at lunch, told me that I crack her up every time I do something at our All School Meeting. And my advisees love me, which is very important because I spend so much time with them. At the end of the day all the teachers stand on these posts that line the street and wave to the buses as they drive away with the kids. I swear, as soon as my feet hit the ground after jumping off the post, it hits me how exhausted I am. I feel so bad for my family cuz I'm such a different person when I get home than when I'm at school.

But it is worth it though. The students have such amazing spirit and potential. The teachers (with very few exceptions) are the most incredible assortment of people I can imagine. I'm always amazed how SB is able to bring so many good, talented, and all-around awesome people together to work at and achieve common goals. I taught English this summer and it was so rewarding to watch these students, who were struggling so much to read and write a coherent paragraph at the beginning of the summer, analyze texts and create some well structured and thoughtout paragraphs. It was my music class that was the highlight of my days though. We did such cool stuff and the students were awesome and I just got to share responses to a bunch of my favorite songs. We did cool things like creating a make-believe rock band, watching the Thriller movie (13 min. long!), having a sock hop where we danced the pony and the twist, creating and performing their own blues songs, going to "church" to sing gospel, and doing country line, salsa, and Hmong dancing. On the last two day we talked about protest songs and the uses of music for societal goals and then we staged our own protest march speaking out against music programs being shut down in public schools while we sang "We Shall Overcome." So, you can tell this stuff is right up my alley.

I'm really hoping I'll be able to keep in contact with a bunch of the teachers and in close contact with some. Even today, despite Summerbridge ending on Thursday, I hung out with 3 teachers and went to the state fair. I spent so little money! Thanks to Stephanie, one of these teachers, we had free admission and pulled off free-parking. Plus, we got into a reception for the concert that had drinks and dinner included. I ended up buying a churro just to spend some money! And I spent sooo much time looking at the exhibits. The people I went with were big on the exhibits, you could almost call them exhibitionists, but that wouldn't be the right word. They were pretty cool though, I especially liked the exhibit on surfing that went along with the beach party theme of the fair this year. It was totally rad!! I even enjoyed browsing quilts, but it helps having someone else beside you who is totally into them. And guess who we saw in concert...BOYZ II MEN!!!! Doesn't that just take you back to the 90s or what?? But, it was pretty cool and when you add on some awesome fireworks and a trip round the ferris wheel, you've got yourself a pretty amazing state fair trip.

In the end though, you have to come home from the beach party. My mom has not been getting much better of the last few weeks. She had surgery to remove a tumor in her leg and recovered pretty quickly. Until recently she was doing a lot and now she is really struggling. My sister had to fly out because things are getting worse. Mentally she is having a hard time concentrating and has been struggling with depression. Physically she is getting thinner and it has been hard realizing and accepting that she's not doing well. Oh well, I can't write more now so you'll have to wait to later. Enjoy this though!

"Defining"

For your reading pleasure, an original poem. Feel free to comment on it. :)

Defining

Capturing all aspects

A w k w a r d

The k uncomfortably trapped
Between two ominous and unusual w’s,
The ending sound,
Harsh and sharp,
Like a sudden gulp
Or last gasp of breath
Or the sound of a drop of perspiration
Crashing onto the tiled floor.

Awed into the unknown,
Warded against trust and security,
The state of being unsure,
Tip toeing into the difficult to handle,
Not graceful tip toeing,
Awkward tip toeing.

The word clumsily tumbles from the tongue,
But captures all aspects,

Awkwardly.

Sign up now!!

Okay, so yesterday I heard about the coolest thing to hit the local gyms ever!! One of the Summerbridge directors, Laura, was telling me about this awesome class she was going to try at the gym. It's called Cardio Drumming and involves large blow-up rubber balls placed along the bleachers and people, equipped with large wooden drum sticks, letting out "their inner Taiko drummer," as she put it. They run back and forth between all the balls, drumming for a while, then running, leaping, spinning, cartwheeling, etc. on to the next ball. It sounds soooo crazy. I'll have to ask her how it went. I hope you can picture this because the picture I have in my head of this craziness makes me smile.

Anyways, I had my first SB meeting yesterday from 9-6. I'm definitely gonna need to get used to these hours cuz I was sooo tired when I got back. It didn't help that I didn't get much sleep the night before, of course. It did get me psyched about the summer though. Oh, and I got to see my edited anthology published and ready for use, which was especially exciting. I totally have aspirations to publish lots of stuff in my life. Who knows what though. Well, I want you to think about this Cardio Drumming class and look for one near you!

Fear and Loathing in Sacramento

So, there are a few things that freak me out. My issue with spiders has been well-documented to the point that it is being taught in schools as required curriculum. My issues with answering machines/voice mails have also been well-documented by the fact that I am rarely documented at all on an answering machine. However, yesterday I encountered three other fears that you might not be aware of. The first two involve driving. I hate seeing all the shreds of tires along the highway. It scares me so bad that I can feel my pulse rising. Suddenly, I start thinking about what the tires looked like when I got in the car. After I can't remember, I become even more distressed and vow to check the pressure. Then a series of simulations go through my head as I try to prepare myself for the inevitable blowout and what I would do and where the ideal place to pull over would be. They are just so ominous, lying their from owners past, but without the car and the owner to which they belong. "What happened to them?" I wonder. "How did they deal with the tragic situation?"

The second freaky thing is something not all together common, but it happened twice yesterday. On the freeway, I somehow ended up behind a lumber truck. All I could think about was whether one of those logs sliding back into my car would compact it enough to fit into the recycle bin. Then, at a stoplight, I find myself behind a regular truck that has a huge piece of wood (1x8 I think) that spans from the dash, out the rear window, over the truck bed, and is in a staring contest with my front windshield. We were stopped at the light and I kept imagining the light turning green, the truck moving forward, and the board having an equal and opposite reaction toward me. It didn't help that the only thing keeping that dream from become a reality was the passenger holding onto the board with one hand. Luckily, nothing became of it, but still.

The last thing is something that has scared me since I was a kid, but I can't track it back to any particular incident. It bothers me when I go into a bathroom and the shower curtain is drawn. It usually causes me to stop, listen for signs of breathing, and carefully peek around and pull back the curtains before I can do anything else productive. Faced with all these in one day, you might call that a stressful 24 hours. Now don't go around thinking that I'm a scaredy-cat (I don't even like cats) or a sissy. I don't want to add more evidence for the people who swear I'm gay to use against me. There are way more things I'm not afraid than I am afraid of, at least a 20:1 ratio. :)

Also, KWOD 106.5, the station I've counted on for my rock alternative buzz since 2000, has dramatically changed (in case you were unaware). It's now playing a greater variety of things, more stuff from the eighties (The Police, for example) and a bunch of soft stuff too (like Dave Matthews). I'm not all together happy about it. I put in a complaint to the station about how I miss the morning show with Boomer and the Dave and how they were the only think worth listening to in the morning. And now that Summerbridge is about to start, I'll be spending significant time in the morning looking for something good to listen to on the radio. KWOD v.2 might grow on me, but for now I say, "Ewww v. 2!!"

On a more serious note, my mom finished her radiation this week. We were a little disappointed that the tumor in her leg didn't seem to shrink that much, but she says it doesn't pull as hard. She still gets out of breath easily and her legs give her problems after she stands or walks for very long. She doesn't sleep through the night because of the pain, so I know that's hard. But, she has a meeting today with the surgeon to see if and when and how they can remove the tumor and scar tissue from the leg. We're still hopeful that after the surgery, she will be able to move around a lot better. But who knows, eh?

Anyhow, thanks for the encouragement and have a good hump day.

Through the misty fog...there is beauty

I just realized that I hadn't written anything about my teaching situation. I found out a few weeks ago that I've been approved to do my student teaching at home. Double Yay!! I've already had my placements set up and everything. The first placement will be in a third grade class at John Bidwell Elementary and the second will be super awesome. It's with my old sixth grade teacher (Mrs. Granados) at my old school (Genevieve Didion). I've been able to visit her twice and she is so excited, says it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. And we get along really well. I hung out in her class Thursday morning and ended up leading the class in a bunch of lessons and bantered and participated with her in the other lessons. It was so much fun. As guilty as I feel working in such a nice school with students who have everything, it is really happy and I enjoyed myself so much. So, I'm really looking forward to that.

Also important info: I've got a new phone!!!! Finally managed to update my technology and kick Cingular to the curb in favor of Verizon. So, I finally can read my screen. Also, I stopped by Mira Loma on Friday. I went there mostly to visit Aleisha, Cliff's sister/my sister-in-law?, who teachers math there and congratulate her on her pregnancy. Most everyone had left by the time I left Aleisha's class, so I didn't get to visit much. I did see Mr. Mathews though and I ran into Jessica Hoffhines and Sarah Frayne randomly, which was cool.

Today, though, was sooo nice. It didn't start off all that great. I had to wake up at 4:30am in order to leave for San Francisco and make it to my appointment by 7:30. I had to take a test on elementary content knowledge for my credentials. SFSU, not my favorite college, mostly because of the need to take a Mission St. exit in order to access it. The problem is that along my route this morning there were 4 Mission St. exits spread throughout the city and as I passed the first two I started getting really stressed out, like I totally screwed up, missed the exit, and now I'll be late and have wasted $400 for nothing. So, I took the third Mission St. exit, but unfortunately that was not the one I needed. This was followed by being totally lost in the city and thwarted by one-way streets and lack of freeway onramps. Thankfully, the song "What If God Smoked Cannibus?" played in order to maintain my composure and through a couple of lucky guesses and turns, I arrived only a few minutes late. Although I breezed through the English and math parts, the social studies and science parts were surprisingly tough. Not all the questions of course, but some I had no clue on. What's a more, for example, and how does it relate to culture? I know who the Mores were, but this was not the question. All kinds of other random things that I'm going to have to do some major last minute studying on when I figure out what grade I'm going to teach.

When that finished, I had a good 7 hours to kill before the Giants game I bought tickets for. I drove about for a bit, then was intrigued by a Starbucks glimmering in the fog and the prospect of caffeine that may help me stay awake for another 12 hours before I got back home. I had to park a mile away from the place, but the walk was neat because it was in this very asian area (no, it wasn't Chinatown), but everyone was asian (with a few exceptions) and it was bustling and there were produce trading and people speaking asian languages and signs written in asian characters and it was really cool to be transported to Asia so rapidly. Although, I think in Asia I would have stood out more and received a few more glares. I have yet to travel to somewhere where I really stood out because of the way I look (besides Vanderbilt I mean). After doing some planning at Starbucks, I decided to move the party elsewhere...ending up in Golden Gate Park. By the way, there was a moment when I came over a hill and in the distance could see city, park, mountain, and the Golden Gate Bridge (and fog) and realized "I'm here." It's so neat to have those moments of appreciation for where you are and what you're doing. So, in the park I walk over to the botanical gardens where they were featuring some really cool "primitive plants" that made me feel all Jurassic Parky. I was able to get a lot more planning and some reading done. There was also this family picnic-ing nearby and they had a little girl who was about 2 and I think she discovered dirt just then. For almost an hour she groped it, flung it in the air, smeared it all over (creating a very adorable face, by the way), ate it, rolled in it, stomped on it, and surely slobbered on it. When the distraction became too much, I headed for the ocean, just beyond the view of a really huge windmill. The ocean was so beautiful. Gosh I love California!! I just walked up and down for a long time watching the waves and the people and the pelicans and the windsurfer and thinking and smiling and enjoying the smells and the wind and view.

Lucky for me, that experience reenergized me to take on the big city and promptly get lost again. I managed to find the restaurant I was looking for though, Lori's Diner, serving turkey burgers and milkshakes. Mmm mmm good! Payed 4 dollars to park for 40 minutes, but that doesn't compare to the prices in the parking lots at the ballpark. $50 for the closest lots and $25 for all the others!!! Ridiculous. Needless to say, I found a very shady nearby area, and by shady I mean sketchy, and parked for free. I will admit that upon leaving the car I feared the trip back to the car, especially because I parked so far away from the ballpark that I wasn't sure I could find my way back and it would be dark and not well lit making the shady shadier. Luckily, when I did leave there was one couple heading and the same direction, probably a little anxious about the Mexican following them into a dark alley. We all made it though. The game could have been better, we lost to the Cleveland Indians 7-6, but it was fun to be a participant in it. I was in the bleachers and people are crazy out there. I wish I had someone else with me, but I was glad for the experience. The ballpark is so nice and I've only been there once before about 4 years ago.

Anyways, I need to sleep, but that'll catch you up on the latest. New Mom news to follow....

"I dig my toes into the sand.
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket.
I lean against the wind,
Pretend that I am weightless,
And in this moment I am happy.

I wish you were here."

from Portland to S.C. and all stops in between

Well, when I left Nashville at 4 AM (in route to the beginning of my summer vacation), it felt like 40 degrees outside. Very chilly. And, sure enough, at my connection in Denver it was snowing. This is how summer began. In Sacramento it was clear, but only in the 70s. So, all around disappointment. Luckily it has warmed up considerably since.

Anyways, Mom picked me up from the airport which was a big deal for me. I spent the first week settling in and seeing family (another delicious bbq at Uncle Rick's). But, the following week it was time to gear up for Portland. I journeyed with Shahla and we ended up departing around 10pm on Saturday night. She was already tired, having been awake since 6am and not really enthused about driving. I had gotten sleep, but a late night phone call from Vinny postponed bedtime a bit. He needed someone to pick him up from a party and a bunch of people were drunk. It was cool that he trusted me enough to call. I know that I have a lot of faith in him too, and trust him and how he handles situations like that. I look forward to moving in with him and spending more time with him this summer. But, the point is, we started at 10!! We took my car and, to make a long story short, I drove the whole way. It was epic. We arrived at 8am, barely in time to make it to Stasia's graduation.

Highlights of the trip (in no particular order):
1) Attending my very first college graduation ever!
2) Hanging out with Stasia, the "driving" force of the whole adventure, who always seems to motivate me to happiness
3) Camping out at Stasia's new apartment on the lake and feeding the ducks
4) Seeing James- It's been so long since I last saw him that I had forgotten how much I like the guy. He is awesome!
5) Yummy sushi and free Olive Garden!
6) Letterboxing!! Have you heard about this phenomenon? It is so cool! It's like a refined scavenger hunt nationwide. I think I'm gonna modify the concept and use it with my students.
7) All that quality carriding time with Shahla. And the quality carriding time with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on audiotape.

Top drags were: icky and cold weather, bad timing, being tired, Stasia being sick (which inevitably led to Shahla and I being sick), and lots going on in so little time. But it was a good trip overall and I'm totally glad I did it.

But, I wasn't done with trips. The following week Shahla and I reunited as I joined her in Santa Cruz to see a lecture by one of my favorite playwrights, Luis Valdez. His speech was so inspiring as he talked about the fight for civil rights for Chicanos and others, led by Cesar Chavez. I can do a fairly good impression of a couple of his entertaining stories, so feel free to ask me. The trip also involved ocean, a rollercoaster (my first time to the boardwalk!), more quality Shahla time, and frozen yogurt (yum!). Despite the fact that it was a 2-3 hr. drive, it seemed so quick shortly after returning from Portland. Although, now I have my sights set on Vancouver. Canada, here I come!!

Summerbridge also began in full swing. I got to prepare a lesson for fourth graders as part of a program called "I'm Going to College!" that is based on research suggesting that students who haven't thought about college by fourth grade are far less likely to attend than students who have. So these kids do research on local schools, apply to the colleges, learn about and apply for financial aid, and finally take a field trip to college for a day (in this case, University of the Pacific). I co-taught a lesson on food chains that called for students to play a modified version of tag, acting as hawks, frogs, or grasshoppers. Running around always seems to engage kids, who'd a thunk? Then, on the following weekend, I went camping with the Summerbridge kids. I wasn't exactly stoked about camping with 12-14 year olds for 32 hours, but it turned out pretty fun. I had know idea you could camp at Folsom Lake. It's very flat and not abundantly full of wildlife and just a few hundred feet from the nearest Walgreens, but I don't think they noticed. It was cool because I got to meet and spend some quality time with a bunch of the kids who will be eighth graders this summer when I'm teaching. We swam, played kickball, knitted, sang songs, made s'mores, etc. All together exhausting, but entertaining. I got a nice tan too. I better not go back to Nashville or people won't stop trying to speak Spanish to me.

Mom has been doing all right. Her and Grams fight a lot because Grams can't hear and Mom gets frustrated. She definitely is at the end of her nerves and gets on my nerves when she knitpicks things all the time, but oh well. While I stay with them, I try to balance time in the living room with time in my "room" or away. I've been taking her to most of her daily radiation appts. She just today had to go to the ER because her lungs were hurting so bad. She has pnuemonia apparently, hopefully they'll take care of that. It's always a little scary though, each time she gets bad you don't know what to expect. I also went to the doctor recently. Surprisingly, he said I was healthy! That's always good news I suppose. My dad has returned from his alcohol detox program and is like a new man. I pray he can keep it up because he looks and sounds different. So, there's a plus for you.

Anyways, I hope that helps to catch us up on the basic things I've missed blogging. Hopefully Internet access will continue to work with me and allow me to keep up with the blogging for the rest of the summer.

Chao!! (Not caio)
Mat

Tragic Turmoil and Termination

Okay, so really tragic might be too strong a word. And turmoil too for that matter. But the title caught your attention and there was a lot of stuff going on the last week of school. Not a lot of packing however. Monday was probably the longest day on earth. After managing (but only barely) to finish all my papers for that particularly manic Monday (and, of course, not sleeping), I had all eight hours of classes that I couldn't describe as flying by. Although, it began with a nice little gathering full of hot chocolate, pastries, bagels, and yogurt at one of my professors' home. But, for the second time this semester (and ever!) I fell asleep in class, this time my Cultural Diversity class sometime around 6:05-6:12 p.m. during a group powerpoint presentation on teaching social studies lesson on important people of color in the academic world. Thank goodness they gave me the job of official clicker to change the slides during our presentation or I might have fallen asleep again. Actually, though, after I got those 30 or so winks, I felt a lot better. It's funny how the sleep works. I totally drifted into it and didn't really notice I had been asleep until I tried to follow the presentation again and realized I had missed two speakers. I hope they didn't notice or take it personally. And I really hate relying on my knowledge of spontaneous Spanish vocabulary and grammar while writing at the wee hours of the morning. I think that was a factor in dropping my grade in my Latino Immigration Experience class down to an A- (not that I'm complaining, mind you). Although, since I'm writing about these events a month after they occurred, I can brag that despite having to deal with all this family business, having two jobs, taking a full load of seven classes, and not going insane (at least not long term), I managed to get 5 A's and 2 A-'s. Not too shabby, eh?

Anyways, I still had classes on Tuesday and work, meetings, and othernonsense took up a lot of the time up until Friday. Actually, I should note the annual Theater Banquet because it was full of seniors saying these verbose goodbyes (needless to say, actors tend to be longwinded, though generally entertaining, and we have our share of drama queens--could be interpreted as a pun in you'd like) that got me thinking about how I really haven't dealt with saying goodbye. But, after moping about for a day, I still hadn't and that was that.

Finished school on Friday, emailing a take-home exam in and taking my only sit-down exam in my altogether disappointing History of the Spanish Language class, although I had a really nice conversation with my professor who lost his father to brain cancer during the semester. I sat around the apartment most of the afternoon waiting for my sister to come in. Finally, at 8:30 she made it here. I didn't even recognize my oldest niece, Dani. Needless to say she has made it to puberty and has highlights in her hair and make-up on her face. I took them out to dinner after showing them the place and introducing them to Ronnie. We went to the Mexican restaurant in Nashville and I had chorizo!! Yay for chorizo!! But, that was all we could do that night.

The next day was full of fun stuff. We waited for over an hour to get into the Pancake Pantry for the best breakfast in town. But it left time for Madi and I to explore some of the shops in the trendy Hillsboro Village area just outside of campus. We then went and abducted one of my coworkers' daughter and all of us explored the Tennessee State History Museum and the Centennial Mall area (which is not a mall at all, but instead a big park with a flea/produce market and war memorial with a really cool marble globe that revolves and the whole park overlooks the capital and skyline that sits atop a hill). We then went to my favorite mall in the world, Opry Mills, and played miniature glow-in-the-dark golf (who would've thought! first bowling, now put-put). Then we tried to eat, but the wait was 2 hrs. so we explored the mall some more. My friend Lissie met up with us and her and I went into Barnes and Noble because she needed a book for a paper she was working on. It turns out the book was something like 50 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Before You Start. We couldn't find it and, without thinking, went to the info desk to ask if they had it. Of course, the lady after locating the book congratulated us on our engagement. We tried to explain we weren't engaged or even dating, but I don't think she believed us as she passed us moments later browsing baby books (I was searching for a book to help my sister deal with Chasen's behavior).

The restaurant was worth the wait. It was called The Aquarium Restaurant and, sure enough, you felt like you were dining underwater. The restaurant was one big aquarium and the central tank had some really awesome stuff. This one green eel was so long and moved like a kite's tail in the water. And huge sharks and all kinds of fish and rays and stuff. Almost made you feel bad for all the seafood you just ordered, but then you taste the seafood and forget about that. Wouldn't it be a good idea if this place served only beef and chicken in an effort to preserve aquatic wildlife.

Anyways, when we got home at 11pm I took a quick run to visit Lan and Ashley one last time. Ran back and began packing which lasted up till 4 when I had to leave for the airport and catch my 6am flight. And that was the end of the semester. Just like that.

Hootie Blows!! Eat Cake Instead!!!!

So, you know you're in college when you're sitting around a pint of ice cream with two friends eating with forks cuz there are no clean spoons in the house. This was my last night. I took the opportunity to show them my supporting role in the movie Galaxy Quest while I simultaneously hammered away at one of the five huge projects/papers that I had to finish this weekend. That's not counting the two things I finished early that are also due on Monday. It's gonna suck. I'm down to two things left for tomorrow, but I've got 20 hours between now and my first class tomorrow morning and that's plenty of time to pump out a couple of papers. But after that, I'm practically done! I've got a final to study for on Friday and another take-home final which should be easy to do. Practically done. And at this time next week I'll be home in Sacramento!! That's actually kind of scary because I may not be coming back to Vanderbilt again (at least not for another semester). I'm definitely not prepared to just leave, I haven't really said my goodbyes or anything, but I still don't have any official word on what's going on with my student teaching. I'm living la vida en la rayita.

This weekend hasn't been all work and no play, of course. On Friday, my co-workers (half middle-aged women, the other half female grad students) took me out for a birthday/goodbye celebration. We went to this Baja Mexican restaurant and they had gotten me a couple of cards with notes from all of them and some money for my birthday. Of course, I wasn't carded based on the group I was with. Once they all got a couple margaritas in them, they started breaking out the first bra stories and I managed to tune out just when they started talking about a belt with clips to help a "sanitary napkin." But it was fun. We have a nice little family and I've been working there for three years. They've been loaning me their cars for my different errands, they are usually the first ones to hear me complain or explain about my day, and Carol, the coordinator of the group, is like my resident mom out there. So it meant a lot.

Plus, this weekend we had Rites of Spring here at Vandy. It's a big concert series with bands playing all day Thursday-Saturday. Guess who was the headliner on Thursday... Sacramento's own, Cake!! They were really good, although the set seemed really short. I liked a bunch of their new stuff so much that I even bought their new CD. I ended up not being able to go to much else all weekend because I had so much work to do. I was going to go see Hootie and the Blowfish play yesterday, but it was way too cold. Somehow it went from 75-80 and gorgeous for five days to 50 rainy and ugly overnight. After a week of awesome weather, shorts weather even, it was freakin freezing and gross yesterday. Today is one of those tricky it's sunny, but 49 degrees days. Anyways, from what I hear Hootie complained a bunch about the weather. And a bunch of drunk people were throwing beer cans at him, which I'm sure didn't help his attitude. They did it just cuz they were drunk and seemed like a good thing to do. I don't get it. I don't know why you would ever want to drunk. It's so stupid. Unless you're in a situation so awful that you want to make it through without remembering any of it. Other than that, I'm lost. Anyways, I don't think Hootie is coming back. Lucky for him, he's got the Burger King commercials to fall back on.

Oh, and to return to the QoD, I was famous for my gypsy impression. I've got it on video if you ever want to watch it.

Peace...

Mat Espi and the Hotness

That's what I decided my rock band will be named, if I had a rock 'n' roll band.
And if we were a rock 'n' roll band,
We'd travel all over the land.
We'd play and we'd sing and wear spangly things,
If we were a rock 'n' roll band.
Alas, we ain't no rock 'n' roll band...yet!!

So, that was my birthday wish, of course. My birthday was chill. I didn't have time to plan anything crazy, but it still turned out nice. What was really cool was that there were about 10 of us, there could have been more if I had asked more, but these other nine people were all the friends that I'm closest to here. And that made me feel good. A lot of them didn't know each other because I know them from different contexts, but they all seemed to like each and get along and we had a good time. I didn't do much during the day except finish some projects and go for a walk. Then we all got together at this dodgy Mexican restaurant where we proceeded to eat and drink and have fun. Actually about half of my friends don't drink, so the drinking wasn't the most important aspect of it. I went to this same place for Ronnie's birthday and they brought him out a free desert and shot of tequila and they sang for him and everything. I got nothing! Totally jipped. I made it clear it was my birthday, maybe they just couldn't understand me with my slur. ;) Then we got ice cream and most people had to go back for meetings or studying, but Lan and Ashley drove me around and we saw a movie and made sure not to return until exactly midnight.

So, later this week I'll the ladies I work with are taking me out to eat and get drunk. They are so funny. And I'm trying to think of ways to spend some quality time with all my friends just in case I don't come back next year. A friend of mine, who is a grad student here and she's supervised me in a couple of practica, had her mom pass yesterday. She's been a big advocate for getting me to be able to finish at home next semester. And now it takes on a whole different meaning when she tells me to make sure to spend time with your mother, and the rest will come along with time.

Anyways, the answer to the previously posed question....will be postponed to allow for more guessing to occur. ;)

Here's a picture of me with some of my E-Club kids. This is where I work as part of a research project that teaches students from a local housing project to develop literacy skills along with a voice in society using technology.

Catalyzed at Last!!

Hey!!
Okay. So here's the latest scoop. Thanks to some advice from one of my professor's and from my counselor I've begun to push again for doing my student-teaching back home. It would really suck to have to come back next semester after being home all summer. So I've gone to the chair of the department and my counselor is going to talk to the dean of students, so we'll see if that helps at all.

I don't know why I haven't posted in so long. I guess I've been waiting for something or someone to provide the motivation. I've definitely been busier and have had more work due lately. I've only got two weeks left (almost exactly) and a whole lot to get done between now and then. But I've also spent some time being depressed not helped by the stress of schoolwork. Finally, today I found my catalyst---a major research paper and presentation in Spanish that is due in 14 hours and that I want to put off as long as possible. So, I'm going to take care of the business of informing you all instead.

I'm sure I've written before about the crazy rain we get here at times where it rains really hard, but not "hard" as in abundance or a downpour, "hard" as in each individual droplet is HUGE and soaks you like a water balloon. I've been caught many times outside without an umbrella during such a storm, but Thursday was the first time I've ever been caught in one while driving. It was so scary cuz the rain hitting the windshield was so loud I couldn't hear the radio and it hit so hard I thought for sure the glass would break and decapitate me. Insane.

Anyways, I don't know what people were feeding the children of Nashville today, but it needs to be banned. They drove me crazy and I left my final classroom experience of the day with my energy depleted and a headache (and unlike all you girls out there who think headaches are normal occurances, or at least once a month occurances, I hardly ever get headaches). So, here I am, tired and down, but having to read, write, and think in the language of Taco Bell. It's cruel. So, I'm planning on working straight through till class at 1pm tomorrow, stopping by work (to pick up my check and then sneak out the back door, slyly as always), dropping by the library to do some research on another project that I have to email to my group by Saturday morning, return to my room to research and write the stuff for this project, followed by writing two reflections on my classroom experiences over the past week, studying for a series of tests that I spent $400+ on and that determine whether I receive credentials or not, sleeping, waking up early to be at the test place by 7:30, take tests until 4pm, meet a friend and her family for dinner, and then pass out until............

!!!!!!!!!!!!MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday's my birthday, and I haven't even started to plan anything. I'm not even sure everyone who I want to know knows. I hope I do something cool though. I need a good night of heavy binge drinking to lift my spirits (spirits, get it?). But, I promised my mom I wouldn't do the traditional 21 shots, no more than 20 I say. But, first I need to make it to Sunday and that requires writing this paper. So, I better go. But first! A QoD trivia question, going back to the baby pictures posted.

As all children do, I liked to play dress up when I was little. Because I didn't live with my dad, these experienced typically involved my mother's clothes and jewelry, and trust me, the 80s meant lots of fun things to wear. So the question: What am I famed for dressing up as? (Mom, you can't answer!)

This is the picture I'm currently using for my facebook profile. You don't know how many people swear this is me. They are convinced I should've been a baby model cuz I was so cute. What bothers me is that their subtext reads "Wow! You were so cute! What happened?" Boy, do I have them fooled. This is my nephew, Tyler, and although he is cute, he's not as cute as I was. ;-)

Keith Urban, my hair style idol

I want to be a hot Aussie

Okay, a few things. First of all, going back to the political question, I think defense is really important because it has repercussions (I had a hard time spelling that word) in so many other areas. In order to have a strong defense, you have to establish good relations with the rest of the world. A strong defense means a large military, but also global respect. It requires foreign policy that doesn't alienate and create more enemies than allies. It also requires a strong economy where money is not spent all willy-nilly and a huge deficit is acrued. If this happens, you will not be able to properly equip and financially support a war. A strong defense requires accountability and honesty between those in charge and the rest of the world. So, a number of fundamental changes would be needed for the US to establish a strong defense.

Now, I wanted to mention two other things. One is that on Wednesday night I went to a local cafe where Ronnie had a gig with a band he plays with. Although supposedly his band features piano-led alternative rock, the performance was heavily drum-led as the drums overpowered everything else in this small space they were playing in. As we were leaving I stopped to tell some of the members of the band who played before Ronnie's what I thought about their set. Some of the members of the band so happened to be Latinos and, as I caught up with the group, I overheard Ronnie's girlfriend comment that "the Mexicans are bonding." I wanted to include it cuz I thought it was funny and it related to the whole racial identity entry earlier and I told her I would. I tease her a lot anyways, so I had it coming.

Anyways, I got a haircut today and I now have a vision of what my hair style will be. My stylist and I decided that, in honor of Nashville being the country music capital, I would style my hair after the hot Aussie country singer Keith Urban. If you don't know who he is, you need to look him up. I like him for his songs, of course. It's getting there. I actually walked in considering just cutting it all off, but she convinced me not to, so I press on with the long hair. Also tonight I went to a 21st birthday dinner for a friend of mine and was introduced to the ritual of the sake bomb. I have no idea what is in store for my birthday.

Oh, and in honor of Keith, the QoD: Who is the hottest singer/musician? and/or Who is the hottest Aussie? and/or Who is the hottest cowboy/girl? Take your pick.

Una relación simbiótica

I had begun to feel disillusioned with our country after the presidential elections. I thought more than half the country no longer had contact with reality nor believed in the basic tenants of democracy upon which this country stands. I was actually scared. Until last night...

Last night I attended a presentation by Howard Dean here on campus and left confident, reinvigorated, and proud of this country again. As his points wove with my own political philosophies, my personal opinions took shape into a concrete, positive platform for improvement. He convinced me that the world hasn't gone insane and that not everyone is ignorant of the problems persisting with our system today. He convinced me that the country is not really divided into blue states and red states, although politics and the media have painted it that way. One of my greatest fears would be to have a country pointedly divided beyond recognition; we are a single country after all and we must work together, right? His position was that the country is really50 purple states, with some variation in hue, but that for the most part shares a common set of beliefs, needs, and values---and that those beliefs, needs, and values coincide with a democratic platform. Democrats have had a problem in communicating what they really stand for and have allowed republicans to speak for them and, in turn, demonize them. Believe it or not, the democratic party has morals.

He explained issues of the economy, defense, and "moral issues" in a way I hadn't heard before that connected with my own personal values so deeply. Listening to him in a room of supporters, I only wished that more republicans (or those who aren't sure) could have been in the room to hear some of his perspectives and I'm sure that even if it doesn't change their position entirely, at least they would better understand, respect, and learn something from these ideas that weren't very clearly communicated during the election because the issues failed to reach below the service of the real problems facing America. He even made me seriously want to be involved in the process and run for a position on the school board or some other local government agency. After he stressed the importance that people do more than just vote, but become part of the system for change he remarked, "I know there are some of you out there thinking they could never be a politician. But, honestly, who out there doesn't think they could run this country better than George W. Bush?" Maybe I was glad there weren't many republicans present for that remark. And Mom, get Grams to stop watching Fox News all day long. Thus, a politically charged QoD, open for opinion from anyone because no matter what political ideology you subscribe, there are always ways to improve a nation.

QoD: What is the most important aspect of current policy, ideology, or system that requires attention and reform?

I'd have to say the issue of defense, but I'll explain more next time. Right now, I'd like to finish with a statement from one of my professors that really stuck with me and made sense to me regarding my mom's illness. She said, in Spanish, that right now we have a symbiotic relationship. She keeps fighting in order to see me graduate and I keep working hard in order to graduate so my mom can be there. In this way we are depending and feeding off each other. She said it was really special and unique. I agree. I love you, Mom.

Proud to Be O'Ryan

Another week down and exactly 5 weeks left before I'm done!!! I'm a little excited about that especially cuz the weeks always fly by. See, keeping busy is good for something. Maybe I should add back on my third major...
Anyways, the weather today finally managed to climb its way back up to decency. It was actually pretty nice this afternoon: around 60 and sunny with a slight northeasternly wind and a few clouds for good measure. Of course, by 5 o'clock I was looking for my coat and by 9 I was bundled with a coat, gloves, and scarf. That inspires what might be a new tradition adding to the interactuality of the blog format. It's the-----

QoD....Question of the Day: What weather makes you happiest?

Mine definitely involves a sunny green spot with a nice breeze and a blue sky up above with a few clouds that resemble rabbits or ferrets or some fluffy animal. Today was pretty close, but not quite warm enough. And feel free to suggest a question or to respond to an entirely different question never stated in this blog.

Anyways, I hope you all remembered to wear green yesterday and didn't let any sketchy leprechaun trick you into drinking some random green liquid. If you have a hang-over at the moment from belated St. Patrick's Day partying, I apoligize for making you strain your eyes to read this.

As promised, the gossip: Yesterday I had a meeting that more or less decided my academic destiny. One of the professors was wearing the tackiest green power-suit ever! The 80s were so last year.....Anywayz, over break I found out that it would be virtually impossible to get my credentials in California without going to school for at least another year and retaking all my education classes. Not an option. So, I've got to get my credentials from Tennessee. I went to the school of education at UC Davis and the dept. chair suggested that the best option might be for her to find me a supervisor to do my student teaching in California, but under the Vanderbilt program. "Brilliant idea! Why didn't I think of that???" is all that runs through my head. I've already tried to convince Peabody's administration that this is a viable option, but, unfortunately, my luck didn't change on Thursday. Despite the fact that both UC Davis & Sac State offered to accomodate me with a "courtesy placement," that could videotape & email correspondence to Vanderbilt for observation, and that various professors & grad students have offered to FLY OUT TO SACRAMENTO just to observe me as needed, not to mention the specialness of the circumstances I'm under, the administrations stubbornly stuck by their position that no exceptions could be made to the policy. Bureaucracy. Some people are still encouraging me to push the issue with "higher-ups," but I think I'm just going to accept what I've got and make the best out of it.

I think I'm going to try and live in this one dorm where you have special meetings, parties, sports, and dinners that pertain to the foreign language you speak. I have different friends who've lived there and thought it was awesome. So, there's one thing to look forward to, eh?
Anyways, I'm gonna go to sleep and pray to some god that I can be productive tomorrow on the research paper that I'll be tempted to put off until Sunday night.

There and Back Again...An Espi Tale

Well, I've made it there and then I've made it back, hence the title.
My perilous journey began with nearly getting arrested for being a terrorist. You may be thinking, "Oh boy. Here we go again with the Mexicanisms and racial profiling nonsense." No, I brought this profiling upon myself. I made the age-old mistake of leaving my laptop unattended, at a prime bombing area, the front of the airport. Suffice to say, by the time I realized what I had done and returned to the scene of the crime to find a group of officers huddled around my bag, I began to think of whether it might be easier to just buy a new laptop instead of being arrested and tortured at some base in Cuba. Luckily, the officers were fairly understanding and I showed them my Vanderbilt student ID and spoke to them in the slowest possible manner (so the officers from Nashville).
The journey continued without incident until the engine started to smoke upon landing in Dallas/Ft. Worth (don't ask me which one I actually landed in) and people began to panic. Luckily we were landing and got off that godforsaken plane as soon as possible...only to get on the next godforsaken plane where a computer system failure caused a delay as attendants had to take a roll call, head count, and our tickets to make up for the passenger data that was lost. All of our confidence would soon be restored as the captain slyly remarks over the speakers, "Well, folks, in case you're wondering, we do know how to fly this hunk of metal." Boy, thanks captain, my captain. This plane attempted to make up for the detriment to my flying experience by giving me a couple of open seats beside me, a really good onboard movie, Finding Neverland (made me cry afterward, but it kind of hit home a little and I was ready for a good cry), and some music for my radio-listening pleasure.
Finally home, I was blown away by the perfect whether. So happy and blue and sunny and in the upper 70s with a nice breeze. O.M.G. Why am I putting up with the ridiculous winter of Nashville? I got to see a bunch of family and some friends and spend some good time with my mom. It can be hard to see her suffer, luckily she isn't (or at least wasn't at the time) too bad. She took me shopping at the Gap and I picked up some good "teacher" clothes for the spring. We also absconded with my grandma to take a trip to Tahoe. They haven't been to Tahoe in a long time, and even when they went it was always just to gamble in Nevada. The mountains and the snow and the trees and the water were so amazingly serene and beautiful that I felt ashamed that I don't go there more often. I mean, what else does Sacramento have going for it other than being a two hour drive or less to Tahoe or to the ocean.
I was productive in my movie watching (I Heart Huckabees, Donnie Darko, The Village, Eulogy, and Sky Captain...), but less productive in the academic aspects. This was evidenced by the practically all-nighter I pulled the Sunday night I got back to school. I did manage to secure a position as English dept. head at Sac Summerbridge for the summer. And I found out some info involving my student teaching/schooling decision. I'll write more about this later though cuz I've got another big meeting tomorrow about the whole situation. All the gossip to come.
Although the break could've been longer, the semester is nearly over and I'll be back home before you or I know it. Right now, I'm finding it hard to believe that it was snowing today and just last Friday I was enjoying 80+ degrees of wonderfulness. Still, the week has been cool. Hopefully, such a trend will continue. I just checked my email and found out that the research paper I had due on Friday is now due Monday. I call that a Procrastinators Delight.
Here's to a delightful rest of the week!
with Heart

When it snows, it pours

Well,
It is snowing. I think it is an appropriate sign that "Spring" break is next week. Oh, if it's not warm in California I might go stir-crazy. That's right, stir-crazy!! And you know what happens to people who go stir-crazy...they eat a lot of chocolate and then shoot people on a sugar high. So, let's all hope for sunshine and warmth. And since the air-conditioner continuously spews cold air for no logical reason, I especially could use some warmth. Another consequence of the snow is that all the schools are closed. Now, is there really enough snow out there to be unsafe or impede traffic? No! Of course not! But, seeing as we haven't had any snow days all year long, they had to jump on the chance to claim this one- everyone needed a break! Especially the kids. Can you believe that most of the elementary schools in this district don't have recess. They hardly ever touch the playground.
Anyways, because all the schools are closed I'm not teaching today or doing my research project. Which basically means that I'm done for the day and don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. I think I'm gonna go to bed early tonight for sure. I pulled my first all-nighter last Thursday/Friday which was exciting. I ended up getting a 91 on the project, so it wasn't all together unsuccessful. And I just finished my second of two midterm exams today and they both went well. I just have a project for my Problems in Literacy Learning class and I guess I'll need to make-up my lesson on Thursday if it decides to stop snowing. So, basically I'm looking forward to flying home on Friday. I need a break, I need to be home, and I need some sunshine. This semester has passed by really quickly though (already more than halfway over) and that's a great thing. And I've only cut 3 classes so far!!! Oh, and a quick sidenote, I got the green light for Vandy's 1st Annual 24hr Theatre Experience!! It'll be on April 22-23. Yay!!
Anyways, I've got an appt at 1:30 with a counselor, so wish me luck. Then, who knows, maybe actually go to work and make money or something.
Filled with love and well-wishes...
~Mat~

Race = U

First let me say that I am feeling a whole lot better now, but if I could just get some of that sleep I was storing up all weekend, maybe I wouldn't be so exhausted. Unfortunately, I think I'm just gonna have to settle with exhausted and stressed (well reasonably stressed) until Spring Break 05!! Wild ON Cancun baby!!! Watch out--Mat's Gone Wild!!! Sorry, no CODs.

Okay, so back on track, I had written this awesome blog Monday and then my sister called providing a sinful distraction (I don't know why it was sinful, other than because it had dire consequences). What dire consequences? Well as I finished the blog and went to post it, sure enough it was zapped into cyberspace never to be seen again. So, I will dutifully ry to recreate the post because it was so intriguing, entertaining, and profound.

In recreating the post, I am also recreating the afternoon of Friday, February 4th when I took a venture out on the town to get fingerprinted to work in the schools. The venture turned into an adventure of cultural identity. I had three separate incidents that highlighted the issue of race and gave me new insights on my own identity. First of all, as you know, I don't have a car. I definitely don't have one in Nashville, and I don't even have one at home anymore. Therefore, in order to get to the fingerprinting at the local school district headquarters, I borrowed the car of my co-worker (and a second mom), Carol. Carol has a very nice, new, champagne colored Toyota Highlander. Usually, in principle, I am against the overkill of SUVs, but principles fly out the window when you're behind the wheel of one of those bad boys.

When I'm done cruising down Broadway and actually arrive at the place, I have to sign in at the security desk and get pointed in the right direction. The security guard (for future reference) is about as old, white, and southern as you can get. Very nice man, though. So when I finally get to the fingerprinter (after paying the outrageous sum of $56 for them to tell me I haven't committed a crime), she starts to put in data into the computer.

Up pops the race question. Oh, Mat, what race are you today???? Multiracial? Sorry, we don't have multiracial, therefore you are not multiracial. She brings up the list of choices and I have no clue what to pick. I don't even see Latino/Hispanic as an option (not that I was feeling particularly Mexican that day). "Well, let me just do this," and on the screen I see her enter "Race = U" Apparently, I am of an Unknown race of human beings. This is better than my first guess at what U stood for, an Ugly race of human beings. But, unknown made me feel so not counted, not part of, not KNOWN?? I JUST WANT TO BE KNOWN DAMMIT!!

So, officially labelled unknown, I walk back to the security desk to sign out and I tell the guard thanks for giving me directions. "De nada Senor Espinosa. Adios amigo!" replies the guard to which I stammered a response of "Chao" as I sneak out the doors. In the car, I began to realize that I get this sort of thing a lot out here from strangers. I'll get a "gracias" when I hold the door open for somebody or an "hola" or "hasta la vista, baby" when meet someone in passing. And they are usually from people I don't know and they are usually (and maybe I'm making a bad assumption, but judging from their appearance and accent I don't think so) from people who would not be able to carry on a conversation if I started speaking to them in Spanish. So why do they do it? Obviously, they labelled me as Hispanic/Mexican when clearly I'm Unknown. But, maybe subconciously they think I would understand it better than in English? It doesn't really bother me and I haven't noticed it before because I do speak Spanish. But I learned Spanish in high school. What if I had studied Russian? I wonder how I would react then. Maybe a lot different.

Ronnie has already pointed out that I make an awful lot of Mexican jokes. It's true, my wry wit often comes at the expense of the Mexicans. Another person theorized that perhaps my jokes are a way of distancing and separating myself from the Mexicans, so that others won't believe and maybe I won't believe that I'm Mexican. Maybe that's true too...

But, anyways- to make a short story longer- the final incident happened as I was
pulling into the parking lot in the nice, new, champagne colored SUV. There was a Vandy police car parked just outside of this U-shaped parking lot and as I entered, he pulled out and followed me into the lot. He trailed me all the way until I finally parked about half-way along. When I did, he stopped and waited until I got out of the car with a backpack and finally continued through the lot, only to park, once again, outside. I really would rather not constantly be suspicious of this sort of thing, but given the day I had and the classes I'm taking that focus on issues of social injustices and discrimination, I was kinda pissed off. Plus, it's not the first time something like that has happened between me and the Vandy police. Last semester I was summoned over to a police car crawling along beside me using both the siren and a bright light. He called me over to tell there would be serious consequences if I jumped a fence somewhere ahead of me. Having just gotten back on campus and seeing as it was night, I had no idea there was a fence in front of me at all, let alone a thought about jumping it.

Something to think about and I'd like to hear your comments.

Less Icky

First of all, I'm feeling much better than a few days ago. But, I'm also very exhausted. Actually, I've felt heavy for most of the day. Not exactly tired, cuz lord knows I've slept enough, but I've just been really slow like I can't move fast. So, instead I've taken my time and waddled around dragging my feet all day long. It's worked okay, but now I actually am tired and I hope to get a good 10 hrs of sleep tonight. Unheard of!! I know. But when you're sick and need to get well, these miracles happen.

I like it hot and steamy...

So, I've spent about 80% of the past few days in bed. I hate being sick. I'm totally one of those wimpy guys who turn into babies looking for their mommy when I'm sick. It's something I've got to get along with though, so long as I plan to work with slimy, sickly, germ-infested, disease-ridden children. It was cold and rainy outside today and both my roommates were in Indiana for various reasons, so I've been chilling in the apartment by myself all day. Most of the time I've spent in bed. Speaking of weather, though, last Tuesday we had a high here of 71 degrees and the following night we had chances of snow. Nashville weather!! So ridiculous.
I guess I should clarify the title real quick: It's a reply to the previous question posed "How do you like your Cafe?" that refers to Cafe con Leche which was Thursday night and went really well.
Thanks to the lack of contact with humanity, the overwhelming amount of time spent in bed, and the Nyquil, I'm feeling a little de
li
ri
oussssss
But Thursday was the worst! I was sick (just woke up sick out of nowhere that day), stressed (I've been really busy the past two weeks with schoolwork, preparing lessons, Cafe stuff, and other random stuff), tired (cuz I didn't sleep much the past two weeks), and depressed (cuz of a meeting I had Thursday). I've been trying to push for being allowed to do my student-teaching at home so that I can finish up my program while being with my mom. Well, basically this ideal situation is impossible and on top of bringing up a bunch of topics that made me sad, they also gave me a list of much less ideal possibilities. Plus, I was sick and I had a horrible headache which is crazy cuz I like never have headaches.
Then I had to rush off to a Cafe rehearsal where we ran through the show on stage for the first time. It gave me a second rush of energy. When it came time for the actual performance, dispite the annoying coughing, I was really excited. I got to sit in the audience for most of it and a lot more people than I had expected showed up, including some of my friends. So that was cool and everything went so smoothly and people laughed at a lot of my jokes. The little movies were really cool, especially the Esperanza music video. The hosts I've been working with all week loosened up and did really well. They loved!! my beat poetry performance (of course, I always steal the show, right?) and I even got to wear one of those lavaliers (the nifty clip-on microphones). I am going to get a DVD of it so maybe I can show you some of the highlights later. Plus the dances were kick-ass!! I found it very funny that I could go from being ready to dance merengue all night long, to passing out for the night within an hour.
I definitely slept for a long time, until I was rudely awakened by the need to study and take a test in my Latino Immigration class. I probably should've just stayed in bed, cuz the test didn't go so well. I hadn't even started the last 2 of 5 essay questions with 5 minutes left. Oh well. I also realized I missed a reflection which I ended up writing today. I hope it was coherent. We'll see how productive I am tomorrow.

miserablenosity

I just thought I'd let you know that I had a really rough couple of weeks and I'm feeling a little lousy/miserable at the moment being sick and all. I'm gonna expand more tomorrow, but I thought I'd get this out in the open right now. So, feel free to drop me some words of encouragement to make it through the weekend cuz I'm guessing most of tomorrow will be spent in bed (if only my TV didn't die!!) like today was.
love,
Mat

Mom at the levee

How do you like your Cafe?

So, I had a really busy week and next week should be pretty busy too! On top of all the work associated with seven classes and work and being at 4 school sites, I did a bunch of work for Cafe con Leche too. I had to do a little more writing last weekend and then during the week I supervised the filming for some of the "acts that got cut for the show." It turns out that I was also in one of them too. It was fun though. I played Ramon who together with Javiera, an ex-girlfriend (drama!), were trying to audition with some of our mad tango skills. In the course of the filming Javiera runs into a table, gets caught in some painful splits, Ramon gets kicked "south of the border," she eats a thorny rose, and finally Javiera all-out attacks Ramon. It was physical comedy at its finest (I say knowing full-well that I wrote, directed, and acted in the scene). I love how we randomly tried to invent the tango, seeing as neither of us knew how it went. We danced to the tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge. So, if you ever want to see an authentic tango presentation- go to Argentina. BUT if you ever want to see an unauthentic tango presentation- feel free to ask me.
One of the acts I wrote for filming wasn't able to be filmed in time. So, what happens to Mat? He gets roped into performing it live in the show. Now I've got a few rehearsals to do this coming week. Today we had a rehearsal and I took over the role of taking notes and giving suggestions on how to improve the acts. The big show is on Thursday night and there won't be any more dress rehearsals all together or anything, so that's a little scary. Hopefully everything will come out alright. I've also got to coach the hosts as far as acting out there little intros. But I think it'll be cool. I've also put in my proposal for the 24-hour theater for the faculty. So, they are now reviewing that and going to look into when we can do it. It looks pretty good!! I've realized that keeping myself busy not only is what I do every semester, but also keeps me centered and focused, especially during a time when I could be really worried about my mom.
I've also got meetings this coming week to look over a petition that I'm writing up asking for permission to do my student teaching in Sacramento. I know that it would make a huge difference and be so worthwhile in so many ways. I've got a lot of support from some high up faculty, but my advisor seems to think that the policy is unbendable, that it doesn't have much of a chance to pass, and hasn't been too supportive. We'll see what happens though. I'm going to write the petition this weekend and then I have a few meetings throughout the week with different professors to review it before I take it to the director of undergraduate studies.
Yesterday I went to the big Asian cultural celebration. There were some cool dances with ribbons and handkercheifs. Then there was a wickedly awesome Chinese yo-yo performance where they did some awesome feats of talentful yo-yoing skill. A hula performance, wetting my appetite to go to Hawaii and a cool modern tininkling filipino dance that uses the long sticks that people jump between and then out and you know what??? It's hard to describe dances in words. The coolest part about the tininkling was that they did it to contemporary pop music. There was also singing in Chinese, a "killer" martial arts performance, and a spoken word performance about stereotypes/diversity/inequality. This is more or less the amalgamation that will be Cafe con Leche.
Mom is continuing to do well. She had lost her voice for a while, but it's more or less returned (much to the dismay of my grandmother). Because she has had such a lack of appetite and nothing tastes good to her, she has been prescribed a pill called Marinol that will up her appetite and kill some of the pain in her chest. Given what the pill does, you can feel free to figure out what the mari in Marinol might stand for.

If you liked the last pic, you'll like this one even more!!

They Say Anything Goes

Okay, so I turned in some writing for this Hispanic celebration thing and they have asked me to write more stuff for tomorrow. They must be desperate, right? For all of those from high school: The theme of the show is Buscando una estrella, a Latino Star Search. They wanted to play short videos of contestants who supposedly didn't make the cut. Well, in a tribute to Luke, I suggested we have a really hammy gringo do a music video for Enrique Iglesia's "Esperanza." They really liked the idea, believe it or not. So thanks, Luke, for the inspiration...
I'm sure that he is probably drunk at the moment (seeing as it is a Saturday night, not that he's the kind to discriminate), but for me it's another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody. Actually, I have to write some more stuff for Café and really should do some homework, but I won't. I decided that I really don't like partying. I get really uncomfortable unless I know everyone pretty well. Aside from an emergency writer's meeting to tell me that I need to write some more stuff cuz some other hoes dropped out, I spent the day with Lan trying to convince her to come back to Sacramento to spend some of the summer with me. She's applying to teach Summerbridge with me and it would be so cool to have her out there. Her and Ashley were the very first friends I made here at Vandy and that's mostly because they made friends with me. So it would be cool to have her, especially because she's never been out west before so it would be a huge deal.
Yesterday, I went and supported my two roommates in their performance of Anything Goes. It was free, but that still felt almost like a rip-off. The play is so stupid and did nothing but tarnish my views on musicals. I can't believe that so many people know it and have performed in it!! Ronnie and Jeremy were part of a group of sailors on the ship where this thing takes place. They pulled in the only awesome number, Ronnie especially stood out as the only one with serious talent in the entire production. I feel bad saying this, but I've heard some horror stories from the rehearsal process (mind you the whole thing is student run) and the musical didn't give em much to work with. Still, the experience was enjoyable, it was just the most stupid night of entertainment ever.
Lots of people are sick over here which makes me very worried. Despite all the sucky things that are going on in my life, being healthy is one of the few things I got going for me. Don't take that away from me!!! Oh! And I wanted to write about an adventure I had in the parking garage yesterday. Ronnie's dad came in to see his show and after the show the three of us were going to this all-night café (kinda like True Love, only less groovin) called Café Coco. Ronnie's dad had parked in the parking garage by our building and by the time we went to leave the attendant had already left. All the arms were down trapping us in with no escape in sight! The arms could be lifted with a special card, but we had not that card. I thought of getting out and lifting the arm, but then was reminded that that probably wouldn't work. We drove through the garage and tried three different exits- all with no success. We even tried to go around one of the arms, but the car just wasn't that flexible. Finally we returned to the front, willing to just ram the thing if we needed to (we were desperate to get to that café), when I happened to notice a sign a short ways away from the arm. It said that visitors could drop their tickets into this mangy green box to lift the arm. Skeptical, we decided to try and VOILA!! Up goes the arm and we laugh to drown the stupidity.
I also wanted to mention this guy that I'm going to be tutoring for my Latino Immigration Experience class. His name is Pedro, he's 17 and he's in the 9th grade. He's been here for only 9 months!! We had a great first meeting, but that was all in Spanish. We identified together that his biggest goal was to develop his English. I feel so lost as to how to do that, seeing as he knows so little, has six classes in English every weekday, and is only a few years younger than me. I just don't know where to start when there's so little to work with. But he's a really good kid. He wants to support his family, stay away from the gangs and other problems that offer escape from the difficulties of being successful in school. He was really happy after the first meeting and walked me out to the car and I think he appreciated the mentoring and help I'm offering. I'd like to get to meet his mom and hear her stories and get her opinion on what she wants to see her boy doing. But, this should definitely prove to be a valuable, challenging, and eye-opening experience.
OK, I think that's plenty for you to peruse for the moment. Keep smiling and enjoying the rest of your weekend.

Ronnie playing guitar (instead of doing HW)

Ronnie in Cabaret

Ronnie in Cabaret 2003: Yeah, this is my roommate. I didn't know him, though, when he was going through this "phase," okay?
P.S. Sorry girls, this stud is taken...

Getting My Creative Juices Flowing

Hey,
So I realize now that y'all are gonna be lazy and post your little comments instead of taking the effort to write a real email or call me. But it's way better than nothing ;-) and I think it's a lot cooler to make it more interactive this way. I had to do it because my website is running out of space and hopefully soon it will be undergoing some major renovation (right Brian?). I just got sent some pictures from Allison's party so I thought I'd share a few. I was really clever cuz I gave Benji and Allison these nice candy canes with hearts on them, which just so happen to have been the party favors at Michelle's wedding. I thought that was tricky of me.
Anyways, Mondays are so long what with 8 hours of classes and work and not getting sleep the night before. My recuperation from yesterday has made me very slothlike today. This is not good because I have a whole bunch of skit writing to do for Café con Leche (the big hispanic student group celebration) that I was supposed to have done Saturday and I have been getting a few less than happy emails the past few days. So, it's only 9:50 now- I've got plenty of time to write them!! But my 8am class is gonna suck tomorrow (even though I really like working with Raul). Oh! I spent my first day in the sixth grade class that I'm doing my math practicum in and I liked it a lot. I already started to contribute to the class, helping correct someone's work at the overhead and giving an impromptu (how do spelly that silly word?) lesson on bar graphs. They already told me they want me to stay all day with them. I hate writing on overheads, by the way. My handwriting is horrible on them and it gets all smudged and stuff. But this teacher doesn't have any chalk for her chalkboard and the whiteboard is not facing the students. We'll have to see how that goes.
I finished my driver's training so that I can borrow a Vandy vehicle for some of my random ventures to Nashville schools. Hopefully that will take away at least some of the stress of finding a ride all the time. I guess I better go cuz I need to finish this writing stuff before Ronnie wants to sleep. He's in this musical, Anything Goes, as part of our Vanderbilt Off-Broadway group and he hates it. Apparently it's really unorganized and the show opens this weekend. He was in class all day yesterday, went to dinner, went to rehearsal and didn't get home till after midnight!! Then he did homework and went to bed at 4 and woke up for his 8 o'clock class. He'll do that on his own often cuz he gets very easily distracted (by computer games mostly), but if I were him I would've walked out of a Monday night rehearsal at 11pm. So, he's probably gonna want to sleep if rehearsal ever ends. My other roommate, Jeremy, is in this show too, but he rarely comes back here anyways. Girlfriends...

Mat and Michelle at Allison's party

Allison and Benji's engagement cake

The Greatest Show on EARTH!!!

I went to the circus today!!!

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey. It was a lot of fun. I'm not quite willing to affirm that it is the greatest show on Earth, but it was darn good. There were tons of people and we ended up getting seats just about as far up as you can get, but that's what happens when you get tickets five minutes before the show. The ring-leader had that awesome stereotypical ring-leader voice telling us about how "Crazy Wilson will now be performing a stunt never before attempted, never before seen. Watch as he attempts the death-defying double summersault on the pendulum of pain while it revolves a hundred feet above the ground. Twice the danger!! And all without the safety of a net!!!" I saw all the things you're supposed to see when you go to the circus. There were elephants standing on their heads, flying feats on the trapeze, a lion tamer sticking his head in the lion's mouth, some tight like Sprite tight-rope walkers, and a tiny clown car holding a never ending supply of clowns. There was also this one clown that did some sketches with people from the audience. The first time, he pulled a young couple from the audience and sent the man into a cage. He proceeded to lock the cage, put a cover over it and try to romance the wife. When it didn't work, he gave the wife a chance to get the husband back, but when she threw the magic dust at the cage...the cover blew off and her husband was turned into a goat. Oh well.

I wish Madi could've come with me cuz they had some really awesome tricks with four motorcyclists in a small circular cage. Some of the tricks people did were so scary. We saw a few people slip or mess up when they tried to do a stunt. Unfortunately, there were no super-exciting serious injuries, but it was reassuring to see them falter a little cuz it shows just how difficult, dangerous, and real these things are. All and all, a good time.

I had a good time at Allison's engagement party too. I found out that I could make a living by creating stories for people buying rings for engagements and weddings to tell others about the symbolism and history behind the design of the ring. There were a bunch of people there so there was a lot of visiting and Allison and Benji taught us how to do some bachata. I really like Allison (she went to Chile the semester before me, by the way) and Benji (the African prince) is really funny too. And he hates to bring too much attention on himself so it was interesting to watch him at a party all about him. Marriage, agh!!

Mom's a Year Older

Wednesday: 1/26/05

· First of all...Happy Birthday Mom!! Yesterday was my mom’s birthday and I think there was some celebrating, family, cake, gift-giving, and a big Kings win to mark off another year of life. I only wish I could’ve been there. Although, yesterday was such a nice day here. Sunny and warm– what a concept!! And I could already feel the new cold front pulling through as it started off pretty warm in the morning and got colder and colder as the day went on. This weekend I not only got certified in CPR and first aid (I saw some of the most disgusting images ever of burns, amputations, etc.), but I also saw the movie Garden State. At first I was doubting its goodness, but by the end I really liked it. This is an especially good thing because I bought the movie for my sister and her husband without really knowing what is was like or what it was about. I’ve been really bad at doing my homework this week which isn’t very good because it is having a negative impact on my already negatively impacted sleep patterns. I’ll get used to being in school one of these years. I’ve started going to one of my practica where I’m working with this totally cute first grader named Raul. Cuteness is a huge motivator for making teachers want to teach is what I’ve decided. It’s probably the main factor in making me consider teaching some of the really early grades. He’s from El Salvador and has some problems in reading and so I’m helping him catch up. In our first meeting I read him a Shel Silverstein poem “The Homework Machine” and when I saw him today he said he found the book in the library and tried to read the poem himself. So cute, right? Now our first goal will be for him to be able to read the poem fluently, aloud, and by himself. Tomorrow I start my practicum where I teach math/sci. I’m gonna be in a sixth grade class at an arts magnet middle school. I’m excited to see how they integrate the arts into the classroom and stuff. Oh! A further update on Allison (whom I mentioned in the 1/14 entry): on Friday I’m going to her engagement party. But it’s not just any engagement; she’s engaged to an African prince!! An African prince who just so happens to attend Vandy. Some girls have all the luck. No one else get engaged soon, though, cuz it makes me feel old and a little sad.

· p.s. Don’t forget to tell me how you’re doing sometime...

· And Mom: keep fighting, keep smiling, and keep your spirits up!! I love you and hopefully I’ll be seeing you in about a month.

Worst Time Driving Ever!!

Friday: 1/21/05

· Okay, so I’m always so exhausted by the time Friday rolls around. And tomorrow I have an early CPR class to be excited about. NOT!! Isn’t that so 90s. Oh, by the way, weather has returned to reasonable. No need to be alarmed. Speaking of alarms. You know what’s alarming? This whole tsunami relief thing. I mean, I think it’s great that people are so compassionate about all the Asians who lost their homes, BUT at the same time can you imagine what the billions of dollars we’ve raised to send of their could do for us here. We could solve our own homeless problem, balance the budget, give a more decent education to our kids (and a more decent wage to our teachers…) It doesn’t make me sad that we’re being so generous and caring about the tragedy of the tsunami, it’s just that people won’t give that sort of money to help take care of our domestic problems (heaven forbid we raise taxes—let’s cut Medicaid instead). And besides that political note, Wed. was Ronnie’s 21st birthday and what better way to celebrate it than at…US Border Cantina!! Yeah, nothing says a 21st birthday better than cheap Mexicans (I mean Mexican food), margaritas, and a birthday shot of tequila. It was fun though, but it makes me feel hella young. By the way, I’ve had to translate the phrase “hella dayz” twice from Californian to normal talk. And speaking of hell, I had the driving experience from hell yesterday. In this tiny VW bug through rush hour and multiple accident traffic, I thought I was going to die. It was so stressful and on top of it all I didn’t really know where I was going– which was proven when I realized I was lost and, upon consulting a map, I was already off the map. “Luckily, I can just turn around and go back the way I came and be cool,” I thought to myself. This plan was thwarted by a diesel that decided to explode and close down the freeway. So, with a few random turns I made it to a street that, by the grace of God, took me back to town. I made it to my first appointment 25min. after it was over and everyone went home. I did a better job making it to the next place cuz 1) I consulted a map first, 2) there wasn’t as much traffic and 3) I’m not stupid. Overall, I saw 4 accidents (not counting the exploding diesel) and it wasn’t even raining or anything. Stupid Nashville. But, I went to a meeting about this program I’m working with where I hang out with latino high-schoolers and their families and try to help them out with all the issues that come with immigration. It is gonna be sooo awesome!! I kinda let the first meeting cuz I was the only one who spoke Spanish well. We talked with the kids about the problems they have at school (classes, English, gangs, fights, peer pressure) and at home (culture clashes, etc.) and played some games. I can’t wait. We each get our own family to mentor and so I’ll really get to know my family well.

· My mom is doing fairly well from what I hear. She’s really tired and has daily radiation treatments to go to, but it’s working out okay so far. I’m looking into a time in Feb. when I can go home for a while/escape the cold weather here.

· HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE WITHOUT A CAR THIS SEMESTER????!!!! This is a major concern I’m dealing with now.