Tired of Loss

I'm tired of the feeling of loss. It sucks. After a few really good weeks, for some reason it has come back to voraciously attack me this week. I think my birthday has something to do with it. I wonder if having a particularly stressful week also adds to it. And I also think I've been thinking about the impending loss of the play and all the people that go along with it. Lots of bad dreams this week though and combined with stress and not having many available hours for sleep, it's been a rough one. Luckily I have so many reasons to smile each day and spend everyday with people I like and doing things I like. I don't know what it would be like without all those wonderful things.

The play opens TONIGHT!! As of yet, I'm not at all nervous. Luckily I know at least one person there tonight to cheer me on. I can't wait. It will be wonderful. Despite all the drama of the past few nights. (What? I haven't told you about all the drama? Well, maybe I'll write about that later)

Wish me luck.

Still smiling...

P.S. All the acceptances have come in (even Stanford!), but I think the decision is set to be in Hawaii in August. It will be so nice to start over in someplace new and exciting. Wish me luck on that too. ;-)

Birthday Boy

I actually do feel older. It's not really because of my birthday though, I've just been feeling older gradually over the past few months. At least I feel old up until one of the parents of my students says, "Do you really think you're ready for this?" or "You look like you're about 12." I don't particularly like the feeling; it is pretty scary, but I can manage. I'm pretty prepared for adulthood, at least I have a profession that can provide a [moderate] living. But I'm looking forward to escaping back into the safe world of students when I go to school next semester. Things are so much more simple when you're in school.

Anyways, my birthday came and went in a blur. Thanks for all those you called or emailed or facebooked or sent a card/package. Birthdays are good for being reminded that you are loved. Still, seeing as it was a Monday, the day itself wasn't all that exciting. I was at school all day till 4pm. My students helped me celebrate. They helped me eat my Easter candy and they let me read aloud to them (one of my favorite pastimes). I rushed over to my grandma's for some birthday pizza and cake/ice-cream tradition. My uncle and cousin and Brian were all there and Bri brought his son, Tyler, which was a nice surprise. If I wasn't so darn tired, I probably would have enjoyed it more. But I had to rush from there to rehearsal at 6:30. We didn't get out till after 11!! I threw a little bit of a fit complaining about it being way too late and stormed out.

So rehearsals have been kicking my butt, but the past few rehearsals have actually gone really well. I'm finally comfortable with my lines and thinks have been running pretty smoothly. I can't wait to be out there in front of a real audience! That will make all the hell worthwhile. I hope some of you will be there. I'm also happier with the rehearsals cause they've been shorter. I think I made my point clear on Monday. Yesterday we ended really early and our director took us out for drinks afterwards. Although I'm not a huge beer fan, it was really nice hanging out with all of them for a while. And the diva wasn't even there! Actually, I do like her (sometimes), she's just hard to work with sometimes and makes me roll my eyes a lot.

Today I had my first day off in a while and my last day off for an even longer while. I still had to wake up at 6am so I could take the CBEST. Didn't miss it this time, in case you were wondering. It was such a stupid waste of money, but oh well. A lot of long-hand multiplication and addition in the math section which was so simple and basic, but tedious. There were also two essays that you had to write and one of them I actually enjoyed writing. It was about the pleasure of eating a favorite food. I wrote about the pleasant sensations brought about by the pumpkin pie and I kinda wanted a copy of what I wrote because I had a good time describing the sensory experience of eating a pumpkin pie and the pleasant memories it conjures. After the test, I feel like the rest of the day was a wash. I didn't do much, but I don't feel too bad about that. I just don't know when I'm going to see that kind of time again.

Anyways, all the busyness has kept me from reflecting very much, but one thing I did notice was an emptiness and disappointment pervading my birthday. I haven't been that sad and frustrated in a while. I'm sure part of it had to do with being tired and part of it had to do with not having enough time to spend it properly. But I think there also was a void from not being able to spend it with all the people I wanted to. My therapist wants me to be more satisfied with phone conversations, but it is just not the same. For example, my sister left me this great birthday voicemail (I was rehearsing when she called) and the kids got on and sang and Chasen played an electric toy guitar. I started crying listening to that message on my way home (at 11:30pm). I miss them so much and my day would have been so different, my life would be so different, if they were a more regular part of it. And I feel that way about a lot of people. And then there is the whole thing about wishing I could spend it with people I can't spend it with. My first birthday without my mom being there or at least sending me a care package. It left this dissatisfaction at the end of the day and I couldn't figure out why until just now.

The road ahead will be difficult, but it is paved with gold. I have many wonderful things ahead that keep me positive most of the time. It's hard to be depressed when you tell people about all the things you are doing or will be doing and they are so envious. And I know I have a lot of support and I'm not alone, which helps too. And, as Dumbledore says, it does not do to dwell in the past and forget to live.

Speaking of life, my cousin, Unique, had her baby April 19th. I'll include a picture of her and baby Zailen. The teacher I took over for had her baby the same day. I guess it is springtime cause they're dropping like rabbits!

Instructions on how to proceed

Okay, so I've been so busy and tired the past week that I haven't had a chance to update like I've wanted to. I've had some in the works in my head so I wrote some entries to make up for it, be sure to check below for new entries.

Showers Galore!

Quite the weekend, I'll tell you. As a test of my manhood, I went to both a bridal shower and a baby shower this weekend. Actually, prior to Friday I had no intentions of going to either. But I talked to my friend Nikole (the recipient of the bridal shower) and she invited me and I decided to go not only to drop off a birthday gift for her (her birthday is April 11), but also to see some old SB people and meet some more of her family. Plus I hadn't seen her for a while and I love her mom and they had all sorts of Mexican food out. So I show up and I'm immediately close-pinned and warned not to say "Ryan" (her fiance) or "wedding" as I stand, the lone male, in a sea of forty or more females. I end up saying something about "should I jump in the cake now, or change first?" but actually I wasn't too uncomfortable. I mean Nikole and her mom made me feel very welcome, but I grew up with just my mom and grandma and I've always felt more comfortable with females than males. I have more close girl friends than guy friends (and about half of my guy friends are gay). Anyways, I left before all the games got started, but it was a good experience anyway. And my grandma called me Friday and asked if I could take her to my cousin's (Richelle's) baby shower because she didn't have a ride. I kinda wanted to go because I haven't seen Janine and her family for a long time and they had some really good food there too! So no complaints.

But then just to top off the whole thing, I got to spend the week with a pregnant woman as Pam (the teacher whose class I'm taking over) helped me transition into the role. So I heard a lot more about contractions, things expanding, lotions, baby clothes, and swollen feet (and mammary glands) than necessary. And of course some of the parents and kids organized a little baby shower for her at the end of Thursday. And she was so surprised! I love a good surprise. But I've heard enough about babies and weddings and the female body to last me through the month. Plus the play I'm working on deals with issues of violence against women. So yeah. You can imagine.

The play is going to be wonderful (if we can all learn our lines), but with school during the day, rehearsals totally kicked my butt last week. I was so tired. Getting home around 11 and trying to get anything done in the couple of hours of freetime becomes nearly impossible. And you know how bad I am at eating. I haven't been doing a good job at that. Or sleeping for that matter. I will say that being busy helps me stay positive and productive, but I need to get some food and energy too. We'll see if this week is any better. I'm all on my own now. We'll see how it goes. I was on my own Friday, but we had a field trip and there were parents everywhere so it didn't seem like it. Monday should be fun. I want to do something fun because it's not only my first real day on my own, but it's also my birthday. But I haven't come up with anything yet.

I've got to survive Easter first. If I don't talk to you before then...

!!!Happy Easter!!!

Poetry Month Entry #1

Okay, in celebration of National Poetry Month, a first installment of some poetic verse. The first is a number poem about rain that I wrote with Cindy's sixth graders during Spring Break. Each line has the same number of words as the numbers in my phone number. I think it is more than time for the rain to stop. I don't know if it is symbolic or something, but some springtime sun would be wonderful. I'm so so tired of it being so wet and cold and grey. I need some warmth and sunshine to warm my spirits. The next was a new song (my favorite form of poetry) that made me happy the other day driving to school. And the last is one of the many poems of Langston Hughes that I love.

"Grey Skies"

Clouds fill up the sky
As if night creeps in slowly blocking the sun.
Playgrounds are abandoned for the shelter of the indoors
And the world outside patiently, quietly waits
For a single shard of sun,
For an end to all this gloomy
Rain.



"I Don't Want You to Go" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Monday mornin' is such a rush
Here it is again sneakin' up on us
This is the part you know I don't like
We say good-bye and then we kiss goodnight
I know it's one o'clock
And we said you'd be gone by ten
So much for those eight hours I swore that I'd get in

I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go

We always say just one more kiss
But it always seems to never end like this
A few dozen then a couple more
Before we know it it's after four
I know tomorrow my best friend will be my coffee cup
Cause here we go again
Watchin' the sun come up

Yeah, I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No baby, I don't want you to go


"Prime" by Langston Hughes

Uptown on Lenox Avenue
Where a nickel costs a dime,
In these lush and thieving days
When million-dollar thieves
Glorify their million-dollar ways
In the press and on the radio and TV--
But won't let me
Skim even a dime--
I, black, come to my prime
In the section of the niggers
Where a nickel costs a dime.

Redemption

I've told this story to a handful of you. About how in sixth grade I had this mad crush on a girl and waited on the day of the sixth grade dance (the only one) after school for her to leave the classroom and just as she moved out the door, I called out for her. She turned around, framed in the doorway and, instead of asking her if she was going to the dance, I say, after a pregnant pause, "Did you ever get your pencil back?" Feeling like a total loser, I decided not to go. Then when I changed my mind, my mom told me it was too late to go.

Well, I redeemed myself and went to oversee the sixth grade dance this year. It was sooooo cute!!! They looked cute dressed up to the luau theme, but they were mostly cute because of the entertainment they provided. At first no one was dancing. Everyone stood in these clumps talking. Then I got a report that this one boy started dancing beside a girl and soon thereafter more and more started to dance. And the girls totally took charge. They were the ones chasing down the boys and getting them to dance. By the end they were grabbing boys for slow-dancing and had to physically place the boys hands on their hips saying, "That wasn't so hard, was it?" All of them were cute though, and it was interesting to see who was dancing with who. So much gossip! And some of them could really dance. I made sure to go around and dance with different groups and I'd have them try and teach me some moves. I had a lot of fun myself. I also got to play a little matchmaker. There was one girl who would report to me when she danced with someone. She and her friends are really sweet and cute and a little shy so I'd find some boys who I thought were adequately sweet and cute and would send them over to ask the girls to dance. And another boy, very sweet, but a little nerdy, had emailed me to tell me how there was this one girl he really wanted to ask to dance. So I got reports on how his efforts were going throughout the day. Of course it turned out that the girl he was talking about was one of the "teenager" popular girls, but after a few rejections, she finally danced with him and he was SO excited. I got asked to dance a bunch of times and the cool thing about being a teacher is that it doesn't matter how you dance, you're cool just because they got you to dance at all. It was fun just to stand back and watch them though.

Moral of the story is...I'm sad I missed my sixth grade dance, but at least I got a feel for what it's like. I would recommend chaperoning a sixth grade dance if the opportunity arises and you're looking for a good reason to smile a lot. I wish I could go to dances now. I missed so many of them when I had a chance. And now I don't really have a chance. And I'm not a huge fan of the club scene; it's just different then a school dance. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to teach middle school.