Family and Future Family (Traditions)

I love having family traditions. As a matter of fact, there are already a lot of them that I miss from when I was growing up. I collect traditions from everywhere I travel and the families that I meet. This Christmas, we had cookie decorating parties and cookies and notes to Santa and new pajamas for everyone on the night before Christmas. And I love having a set place to go. A ritual you can enjoy with others.

I guess I love family. Something seems so right about coming here and spending time with my sister. I couldn't have asked for a better dose of family than I got (although it comes at the price of spending winter in Indiana). I love the kids and the little moments of smiling and hugs and I love you's. I love the chatting and playing games and eating together and watching movies. It is so true that I'm just not a "go clubbing" or "explore something new everyday" person. I like being home and doing the simple things like talking and watching movies, when there is family (and I extend this to close friends) to share it with. Not that I don't want to explore new things, clearly I do. I love traveling and feel compelled to explore nature or a new neighborhood or a new restaurant (okay, I love new restaurants). I'm moving to San Diego for goodness sakes.

But I love family. I just found out that my older brother, Brian, and his new wife, Mandie, are expecting a baby. So my family is growing. At the same time I am trying to balance compromising my dreams and personal needs, with keeping my family from growing apart. In many ways, family can be draining and carry a lot of responsibility. I know this from the last month that I spent with my grandma. But at the same time, my family has always given and continues to give me so much in return that I know I could never give enough to my grandma or my sister or brothers to repay them for all they have given me. I am in debt and give freely. Obviously there are limits to how much you can give, but most of what is needed (time, a place to stay, a phone call, etc.) are not too expensive.

So, this is what the holidays has given me. I have felt so contented this Christmas, yet there is a little something that seems to be missing. That unknown about my own family. I heard yesterday that one of my professors predicted I'd be married in a year. Now, I'm pretty sure that won't happen given the current circumstances of being single and without any potential candidates. =) Nevertheless, it strikes me that he would say that. Because it is something that I long for, as the jealous youngest child of my generation. Of course, I'm not a rash person either and wouldn't jump into anything recklessly. I get hurt too easily. Nor do I want to appear desperate on the dating scene. =)

But I am collecting traditions that I want to share with my future family. If that is odd, especially for a guy, than that is what I am. I can accept that. Hopefully you can too. =) If you want to share any of your favorite family traditions, please feel free.

The Heat in the House

Why is it that we treat those closest to us, those we care most about, the worst?

Joke:
A good friend comes over for a visit and as they leave they forget the umbrella. A few moments later you see the umbrella and run out chasing after the car, umbrella in hand. "Hey, I noticed that you forgot your umbrella." "Oh, thanks! I can't believe you ran it out to me. I'll need it later."

Your significant other leaves the house and as they leave they forget the umbrella. A few moments later you see the umbrella, pick it up, and step outside. You shout, "Hey! Hey, dumb ass. How can leave your umbrella sitting in the house in THIS weather. Do you WANT to get rained on?"


Well, I mean sometimes we treat those closest to us like this. We often also treat them the best. It is a strange dichotomy. But I know I've been guilty of it. And I see it again with my family. Maybe it is just my family. But then again, I didn't make up this joke so at least a few other families must be like this.

What causes it? Is it that we have higher expectations for those we love the most? Is it that we know we can hurt them and it won't really change things between us? Is it that we expend all of our patience on others and have none left when we come home? Or something else?

I don't know. I guess I see it and maybe I even tolerate it. Maybe? But at the same time I regret it. Just seeing the relationship between my sister and I. Now when I'm here I'm the guest, she cherishes the moments with me and I with her. I don't argue with her at all. Absolutely no fighting for weeks. I'm the good friend who forgot their umbrella. Yet, when we lived together, all we did was fight. Loved each other, sure, but on each other's case constantly.

I don't know, I think I had a dream about this because this is what was on my mind this morning.

November

First come early November complaints about what you lost

What you don’t have

Then late November graciousness as

The plenty of the leaves at your doorstep

Reminds you of the plenty the earth gives

And you are thankful

Heartaches

I didn't think that it would happen this way. I thought this time it was different and we were different. I recognized the enhanced seriousness of this relationship to any other I have been in (although the total number is quite small). Yet I also feel as though we are both so much more mature, and we mutually agree that this split is for the best. Rationally, I understand all this. Irrationally, especially at night, at home, alone, I find things rather different. And I confess to you, for the first time, a realization that I am heartbroken. I really didn't think I would be. And yet, I feel the same things I have felt in the past, the same things described in all the movies and literature. The sadness, the emptiness, the longing for her, the jealousy, the anger, the stubbornness. Everything that keeps me from a good night's sleep.

I think it is interesting. I really am surprised, and I've been telling people all along that it wasn't so bad and it didn't hurt in that way. Grams coming will relieve some of the loneliness, now I just gotta start working on the heartbreak. I guess heartache always catches up with you in the end.

"Now the race is on and here comes Pride up the backstretch,
Heartaches going to the inside,
My Tears are holding back, they're tryin' not to fall,
My Heart's out of the running,
True Love's scratched for another's sake
The race is on and it looks like Heartaches,
and the winner loses all"

lyrics from "The Race Is On" by George Jones

My Personality Color: White

A few months ago, my counselor gave me a packet and quiz to use to determine my personality type when it comes to relationships with others (not just romantic). It was a way to talk about differences in personality between Emily and I and how to navigate them. Here is a break-down of my results:

• Profile Color: White
• Motive: Peace
• Needs: To feel good (inside), to be understood, acceptance
• Wants: To reveal insecurities, to please others, protection, contentment
• Strengths: Tolerant, inventive, kind, easygoing, patient, independent, diplomatic, listener
• Limitations: Unproductive, silently stubborn, unsure/indecisive, reluctant, boring, uninvolved, avoids risking
• What to do with Whites: be loving and sensitive; be firm; provide a structure (boundaries) for them to operate in; be patient and gentle; introduce options and ideas for their involvement; be simple and open; accept their individuality; be casual, informal and relaxed; look for non-verbal clues to their feelings; listen quietly
• What not to do with Whites: be unkind; expect them to always need others to play with; force verbal expression; be domineering; be too intense; overwhelm them with too much; force confrontation; speak too fast; demand leadership
• Binding behaviors: personality limitations that bind with the character development of others
  

1. May be too easily overwhelmed by life (which causes others to pity whites).
2. Often are too weak to take a stand (which causes others to feel a need to always protect them).
3. Appear to be too helpless or inadequate (which causes others to want to rescue them).

So, that was a slightly edited version of the profile for my dominate personality. It seems like many of these things could apply to anyone, but I assure you there are three other personality colors explained, and they are all different. I found myself really identifying with at least 85% of what was said about me and about Emily and, at the time, it helped both of us think about how we are different, why we do the things we do, and how to develop our character and support each other. I think it would be worth taking if you can find something similar (unfortunately there are no references in the text).

Anyhow, I wanted to expand on something I said in the Messiah post about one of my limitations being that I can be too dependent. A very thoughtful woman told me that there is a difference between being dependent (in the "I'm basing my self-worth and everything in my life on you and I can't carry on alone") and relying on others for help. Depending on others isn't something wrong. In fact, it can be really hard to have the trust in another person to be there for you when you need them, knowing the pain that it would cause if they weren't there for you. A vulnerability, I suppose. And I can see that being true. I mean, there is so much to give and receive from others. So why not open the doors to that exchange. I hope I am able to give as much as I receive.

I wonder if combined with my personality trait to "appear helpless" and "become easily overwhelmed" creates an imbalance of sort. If so, I hope you all realize that I am strong (maybe pathetic, but strong) and internally I am very confident in the outlook for the future. I don't need to be taken care of. Perhaps just heard, and support, and not so alone. Sorry for any pity parties I may have called. Still, I stand by my actions and trust in your love, and hope I can return the support to you. Thank you for everything.

Pathetic

What is wrong with me? Here it is nearly 9 o'clock. I've had the whole day off, not to mention last night, and I've gotten nothing done. Nothing. I'm just drowning in nothingness and wasted time. I know I should just do it. Or at least go out to the beach. Go for a run. Call up a friend. All these things would help, I'm sure. The joy of being productive, the feel of the sand and the water, the energy from the exercise, or the company of a friend. I know they would help.

But I can't bring myself to do anything. It is like there is a tremendous heaviness weighing me down and I just can't get rid of it. I can't shake it. And it isn't very happy.

I need to get out of here.

Voting on Prop 8

I'm usually very proud to be a Californian. But the fact that Proposition 8 passed in one of the country's most liberal states, does not bode well for the country as a whole. I feel really sorry for my gay brothers and sisters. It doesn't make sense. And isn't fair. Here's a quote I found today.

"There's something deeply wrong with putting the rights of a minority up to a majority vote," said Evan Wolfson, a gay-rights lawyer who heads a group called Freedom to Marry. "If this were being done to almost any other minority, people would see how un-American this is."

When will we learn that difference doesn't have to divide us?

Emails from the Messiah

I had the day off from school today, thanks to Election Day, and that gave me a lot of time to think (and procrastinate, and wallow, and veg out). Emily and I broke up a few weeks ago, a shock to me, and it has only recently begun to sunk in. I am prone to spells of depression and certainly now is an apt time for it. Mostly, the shock to my system and the impact on my life (both present and future) has been difficult to deal with. Clearly losing your lover, roommate, and best friend is really horrible and I love her so deeply that the void is great. Nevertheless, I know it is all for the best and I can, at least rationally, accept it (you'll need to call me for any details). Again, I know in my mind that things will be fine and I will be happy again and find someone else. I'm optimistic that way. But, right now, this moment, sitting here alone, with no one to talk to or hold on to, things seem bleak.

Times are tough for me at the moment. But the Messiah spoke to me today and made me feel a little better. I suppose, my life is a microcosm for the state of the nation as a whole. Is that presumptuous and a bit self-centered? Perhaps. But hear me out. Times are tough for the nation as a whole. A lot of people have lost their homes, lost their jobs, and lost their spirits. They worry about how to pay the bills and what future lies ahead of them. I'm there. Actually, I'm stuck on an island a few thousand miles away from there, which makes it even more difficult because I'm worried how I'm going to afford getting there given the high prices for flying. As the nation slips deeper into recession, I find myself slipping into depression.

And then today, the audacity of hope was kindled inside of me. Seemingly out of nowhere, this figure entered my life. He spoke to me. He said he knows that times are tough. He understands my worries. Then, with his words, he reached out, patted my head, and wrapped me up in an embrace. He said he knows what is like to feel lonely in a crowd of people after losing those that raised him. He said that times are tough, but we've been through tougher. We've seen worse and we are likely to see tough times again. What we need to cling to is not fear of the difficult times, but hope for the times to pass. We have been through worse, he said, and we will get through this. Happier times are on the horizon, but we need to make the changes in order to get there. It won't be easy, but if we work together we'll get there. He is working for me and believes in me and us and our nation. He is Barack Obama.

And I always laughed off the Messiah mocking of Obama. I thought he was truly inspirational, but never more than an amazing politician. But today, at my most vulnerable moment, he entered my otherwise empty home and heart, and he filled it with hope and optimism. And seeing the nation put their faith in him and seeing how he graciously accepted the terribly difficult job of leading us out of the hardships we face, that was beyond just inspirational. That was messionic for me. Now, I'm not saying he lifted away all traces of depression or heartache, but this abstract figure (I've never seen him in person) gave me faith that I will get through this and gave me a little push down the path for a better future. I was stalled, but I feel like I'm moving again.

And I made the decision to leave Hawaii. I'm going to leave in December. I need to leave behind the memories and move on because my future isn't here, only my past. I will leave in December, seek comfort and strength in my family and close friends for the holidays, and then in January I will set out on a new adventure. It will be a slightly scary adventure, I'm not exactly sure where it will lead (although it currently looks like it will pass through San Diego), but I'm excited about it. I feel a little too complacent here now, dealing with the present, too eager to start the future, but that will pass. Within two months I will be in a new place, a better place.

And President Obama reminded me of that. I will always feel a certain bond with him, I think. I hope I will meet this man one day (maybe that's my agnosticism wanting me to see him in person because I have doubts that he is real). Until then, I'm just glad that he keeps sending me emails. Today he sent me an email thanking me for helping him with his campaign AND he said that he will stay in touch with me to let me know how I can continue to help make this nation better. I'm glad he said that because I was worried he was a fairweather friend and just using me to help him win the election and then he'd stop talking to me. I hope we have a long relationship.

I'll end by saying that he has not been the only one rescuing me from a loss of hope and depression. I want to thank my friends who have called me and dragged me out of the house. Barbara has been a huge savior for me (and, ironically, for Emily too), inviting me to do things with her and her daughters the past two weeks and her phone call out of the blue today really changed my day too. Julie flew from Quebec (okay, so it was unrelated, but still), and spent many days and hours right afterward just keeping me company and being an ear for my thoughts. Stasia has offered a lot of support and advice (as always) with her phone calls and emails and Elisa has allowed me to call her late at night to talk her ear off. My sister, of course, always is full of support and offered me her house, and my grandma is going to fly out at the end of the month to keep me company. So, while I can forget it when I'm sitting at home alone, I know that I am not alone in this world. You may consider it a flaw that I am so dependent in this way, but I don't know what I would do without you all. I love you all and I'm grateful for your friendship.

Fell In

So today I jumped.
You know how scared you get
those tick-tocking moments before,
but then you see the others diving
head first and having fun
and you slip along with them,
But really you jump.

I plunged with the water rushing
rushing over my head
cooling the burning thoughts
fevering the sickness inside.

As I emerged from the water
some of that pain floated
along with the waves,
while some still stuck like
salt to the skin.

I was cooled though.
And it feels better.

Dreams of Losing Again

Perhaps wounds aren't made to heal completely
__at least not the deepest ones
that break open time and again
__although not as frequently as at first
to remind you that you are not the same as before
__although perhaps that doesn't mean worse off
and that keep you from forgetting that you changed
__at least it helps you remember what/who you lost
and maybe that thing/person is worth remembering.

Program Evaluation

I feel like success here is measured in smiles and tears. Things are great if people are smiling. The summer was good if everyone cries on the last days. All anyone talks about after our four-hour long closure ceremony Friday or Celebration is whether so and so cried and how much. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all about qualitative data, and tears and smiles can have a lot of meaning. Still, shouldn't there be at least some numbers of how many students progress on to the top secondary schools and universities, some academic measures of language development, and some record of what schools students come from. Maybe it's just me.

My 7th Celebration

In some ways Celebration tonight was really beautiful, powerful, and touching in a way that most other Celebrations were not. The love the students have for the program was so evident and it really reminded me of why I come back each year. It is a life-changing experience for the students. It really can change who they are, set them on a different path, and inspire them to believe in themselves and choose a better life.

At the same time, there was certainly traces of what I struggle with most here, parts that showed that this really is Shirley's program. In a way it is touching to see how much of an impact this person has made on the lives of everyone involved. At the same time though, I have seen this same impact on students in Sacramento. But in Sacramento the thanks is not typically given to one main person, but instead shared with the whole program. While the faces of directors and staff may change, the events may differ, the heart and soul of Summerbridge lives on and continues to change lives. I think it is possible to develop a self-sustaining program that has this life-changing potential at its core, no matter who is the director. Here, though, most everything is dependent on the work of this Superwoman.

And, after Celebration, I could say she's been doing fairly amazing work, no matter how critical I might be of her.

Paychecks

Okay, so I've been ruminating on this issue for a while, ever since I was hired to take over the teaching position for the teacher that left early. That meant I had to do my job, plus do a number of additional tasks not in my job description including planning and teaching lessons, doing weekly student evaluation notes, participating in meetings with the other teachers that I share students with, and being the Arts department head. So, I have been thinking about whether I should get some sort of pay increase for doing it. It certainly was never offered. But the more I thought of it and the more people that I've shared with, the more I think I should get something more. I mean, yes some extra money would be much appreciated, but it isn't the real issue. The real issue is professionalism. Knowing that the teacher, Amy, won't receive her paycheck for the second half of the summer, I know it isn't like I'd be robbing from Summerbridge. You would think it would just be offered, right? And then today I found out that they had tried to hire Leo (the patron saint of SBHK) to take over the class, and he turned it down. In other words, Shirley tried to find someone else to take the job and was willing to pay them something, but instead stuck me with the job and didn't offer any money.

I think it is one example of the way I've been treated this summer (and in 2006). I feel fairly unappreciated and disrespected, not recognized as a professional- not an SB teacher, and generally left out because I don't act like Shirley's lap dog, waiting to do everything she tells me to. After all, am I not supposed to be the expert teacher and have some authority and expertise to share? I don't know. But there are only four days (WHAT?? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IS TRUE!!) left and then I'm done. For good.

No Perfectionists Please

So today was Celebration part 1. Because we lost a day this week to the typhoon, we spent today at school, including the students, to prepare for Celebration. It ended up being a day that lasted from 8am to 8:30pm. It was crazy. We worked with the students to prep them for tomorrow's real Celebration (and we will have another run-through with them tomorrow). Then we worked on decoration, which is usually not the best day for me. I mean, come on. It requires both manual and artistic labor, two things I don't do well. But I toughed it out for eight hours. Mind you I slept through breakfast and I'll I got for lunch was one slice of pizza (apparently pineapple is the most popular HK topping). Not to mention the fact I kinda overdosed on cough syrup (I took a swig because I didn't have a teaspoon).

So it was a long day, and it made me realize how I've grown to really expect and appreciate efficiency. I have been running into issues with inefficient systems all summer long. But today, all the waiting for things to happen really got to me. And because Shirley basically required me to stay the whole time, even when I could tell I wasn't needed any longer, there was a lot of waiting.

BUT! The point of the story is that there are a number of perfectionists on the staff (and admin) and it really drives me crazy. I mean it is great to care, but at some point let's just move on and get other things done so we can go home before midnight. I guess I am not a perfectionist, so it is hard for me to understand. I mean, my life is by no means perfect and neither has been my work. Still, it has generally been good and I'm happy with it. I expect imperfection. I do. Maybe I'm jaded because I'm a teacher. I know that there is no perfect lesson or perfect day, but that doesn't keep them from being good or effective. And those imperfections give you something to learn from. I don't think perfectionists can last long in teaching.

I mean how stressful to be striving for perfection. Example: This group of teachers spent all day to first blow up hundreds of white and pink balloons, then string them together to create a "balloon banner" for lack of a better description. It definitely looks cool, BUT it could be wonderful even without it and maybe there are better ways to spend five hours. Then, once it was put together, there were issues with the hanging. Then balloons started popping off leaving the dreaded gaps that annoyed all the perfectionists of the group. Finally we managed to string it and tie it up at an appropriate level, avoiding any balloonless gaps and it looked good. BUT there was this one chunk of balloons were one seemed to stick out too awkwardly and that drove some people crazy. Crazy enough to untie the strings, bring down the balloons, fix the awkward balloon, notice that there were actually some gaps after all, and fix those too. Finally we strung it back up and retied it, only to go through much the same with two big torches hung in front of the proscenium curtains of the stage.

I don't know. I just hope I don't have to work with too many perfectionists in my life. Maybe I'm lazy, but I don't think so. I think I'm just healthier. =)

A quote for teachers

"Teaching is complicated, but it is also rewarding in ways that many other jobs can never be. You have the chance to interact daily with live, growing, thinking, maturing human beings, and that time is special, despite the complications of managing a bureaucratized, overcrowded classroom of overtested, underchallenged students."
-Virginia Collier
Professor of Bilingual/Multicultural/ESL Education
George Mason University

Nice Guys Finish _______

So, tonight we had a dinner for everyone in the Arts department (which I am officially part of, and department head since I was asked to replace a teacher last week). It was fun, but the real story starts afterwards (well, after the mandatory stop at McDonald's for ice cream---okay, side story: they just started a new promotion where after 9pm you can get a double sundae which basically means two sundaes in one cup, but you can mix-and-match your syrups: hot fudge, mango-passion fruit, or strawberry. So that was all the rave tonight).

As I was walking back home with a couple of the teachers, somehow they got to talking about hitting on girls (mind you, there were three guys and one girl). So, of course, I shared two of my favorite lines, "Do you have a compass? Because I'm lost in your eyes." And, "If I had a library card, I might check you out." After thinking more seriously about it though, I confessed that I really don't know because I have never actively hit on someone that I didn't know and would probably start just by being nice to them.

That triggered the girl (from California) to respond, "Nice? Mat, don't you know that nice guys finish last?" To which my response was, "That's not true." I was thinking about myself being one of those typical "nice guys" and thinking about what a good relationship I'm in right now and feeling confident about the future. I couldn't help but think that I'm in a lot better state than many of the guys my age.

So she said, "Yes it is. Girls don't like the nice guys."

"I don't know. Maybe those are the girls I wouldn't want to be with anyways." Of course, here I openly identify myself as a "nice guy" to the group; and I also set her up to respond with, "Well, I don't like the nice guys."

Okay, so did I just insult her? I'm not sure. But I could have gone further and said things like "That's what you say now," or "Have you ever dated any nice guys?" or, worse, "Are you dating anyone now? Do you think that might be related??"

Needless to say, I didn't say anything else. It did get me thinking about it though. Because about 3-4 years ago, I would have agreed with her. But since then, not only do I have further proof that girls do like me, "the nice guy," but I think I have a lot more confidence in myself. I know I'm a catch. I know I have a lot to offer a woman. Not perfect by any means. But good.

And so I'm thinking it's those nice guys who lack self-confidence that really finish last. I have been there. But with confidence, you can totally overcome all those other obstacles.

And I have always hated those "bad boys" or "crazy, party guys." Always. That's a big reason why I don't have a lot of guy friends. And if I have such a dislike for that kind of person, how could I ever be that kind of person. No matter how tempting that is, or how tempting the girls looking for that are. And I have been tempted many a time. But I could never really do it. It just isn't me.

And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm happy with that.

bothersome thoughts

negative thoughts are always better to have
on paper than in one's head
or so it's said
but writing down
these thoughts
doesn't just delete the existence of the thought
in your mind-
alleviates the pressure, sure-
but the thought continues to exist in the mind
as it does on paper

to get it on paper though
requires revisiting and clarifying
the thoughts that you want to vanquish

on the paper though
they become concreted
clay to manipulate,
___________toy with,
_______________crumple up,
_____________________let simmer,

and close the book.

Typhoon Day Thoughts

So, today was our first typhoon day of the summer. That meant no Summerbridge! Good and bad. Good because I was happy to get to sleep longer, have time to work on my own projects, and finish up some SB stuff. Bad because my students probably won't be able to finish their projects well in one day (they are creating a portrait [incorporating either Egyptian or Renaissance art elements] of their personal hero and writing a paragraph to say why that person is so important) and I worry we will be staying longer the next few days to make up for it and prepare for Celebration on Sunday. Ah!!

Well, it gives me a chance to sit down and blog a little. I guess one topic that has been on my mind has been my brother's wedding. I mentioned it in the "Island Fever" post. It was a bit of a surprise, it all happened so suddenly, but I am really happy for him. He definitely deserves a companion in life, someone to love and receive support from. I think Mandie is a good match for him. Being with them definitely feels like family; I think that's a good indication. They have asked me to be the official that marries them. Talk about pressure! I'll need to figure out what they do since I haven't really been to many weddings. Well, I think it will be a really special moment in our lives.

That has got me thinking about my life's path and where it is leading. I still am not really clear what is happening next year. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it though. I'm happy with the present. But I can't help but want to have some hold on my future! I'm not a super adventurous, live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person.

Anyways, I'm preparing for a couple of weddings and a conference next semester. Should be fun!!

Schedule for August

Aug. 4-8: Week 5 (The Last Week of Summerbridge)

Aug. 10: Celebration!

Aug. 11-14: Wrap-Up Week

Aug. 18: GO HOME!!!

Aug. 19-22: Working to Prep for the Semester

Aug. 25: School starts, teaching starts...AHHHH!!!

The Teaching Sickness

So I've got it. Besides Island Fever, I also have the Teaching Sickness. Well, I say that meaning that I've started teaching for the first time and also to indicate that I'm sick.

This has been a bit of a crazy summer at SB because we've lost two teachers during the summer. I don't think it is our fault. One was a younger high school girl who didn't realize how time-consuming things would be at SB and was overwhelmed by trying to balance SB and her outside commitments. She quit at the end of Week 2; luckily we found a replacement teacher, although the teacher is older, she did teach with the program in 2002 and just happened to be free and looking for something to do. YAY! Well, last week we lost our second teacher. We only found out that she wasn't going to return this past weekend. So in Week 4 we had to replace teacher number 2. She was really sick and weak and really needed to return home to the US for further tests and to be with family. Well, guess who got to step in and teach her class...yes, the Dean of Faculty.

So now I'm officially a teacher as well. I'm teaching a class on Art History, of all things, and it is cool to be teaching here in HK. I'm really glad I have this chance. But it also comes with helping to write student evals, which is a bit of a hassle. And I feel less focused now because I have been doing so many random jobs.

Plus I've been sick. This is my second time since I've been here! And I'm such a baby when I'm sick. Aren't all guys though? About half the staff have been sick and many students and it is gross. It finally rained today after a few weeks drought and so I'm hoping the rain will cool things down a little and wash away all the gross air and germs. We'll see.

For now, I'm trying to sleep and hang on. Only 1 1/2 weeks!

Island Fever

I think it has struck. I know I'm not in Hawaii right now and that being away for three months probably has something to do with it, but for the first time I really feel it consuming my perspective on living in Hawaii. I find myself mentioning it every time someone asks me about living there. No matter how much I love Hawaii and the culture there and how beautiful it is, I still am feeling unwilling to stay. I think being around so many mainland people these days makes me feel like Hawaii is so far away from everything.

And yes, Hawaii is just as far from California as New York is. But it feels further, and the gas prices and economy doesn't help. I don't think it is so logical. It doesn't make sense if you just compare the miles or costs of driving vs. flying, etc. But I feel isolated.

I guess it is also sparked by my brother, Brian's, wedding. Emily is going to miss it; she can't take the time off and it will be expensive to fly out. Too far and expensive. Heck, it isn't easy for me to come either. I don't want to miss these big things. I don't even want to miss all the medium size things. Like Madi's big game, Chasen's birthday, Dani's graduation. I'm missing Zoe's plays and Tyler's growing up. I hate missing these things. I don't want to be some distant relative. I don't want to feel so disconnected to the rest of the country, but most importantly to my family.

At the same time I know that Emily doesn't feel that way. I know that she loves Hawaii and could live there forever. She misses her family, but the urgency for closeness isn't as strong. And neither of us are really sold on living in Sacramento. But is there some sort of compromise available? Is it so selfish to want to move and settle somewhere in California?

In some ways I know it is just a feeling of disconnect, but it is a strong feeling, growing stronger the further I get away. My family hasn't come to visit me in Hawaii...yet (except the great visit from Grams! But I had to buy the ticket). Isn't that evidence that I'm too far away? At least in Nashville I saw my mom and sister a few times a year.

Rice Cookers

So, at home I have two rice cookers. Emily & I use either one or sometimes both to accomplish all our steaming needs. They are such handy things. Having either starved or gone out for dinner every day last time I was in HK, Emily inspired me to purchase a rice cooker. I bought this beautiful and simple and large rice cooker for $220 HK (about $28 US), complete with a steam basket. So far, my vegetable of choice has been choi sum (if you haven't tried it, GO GET SOME NOW!!!). I've also made dumplings/potstickers and fish (Atlantic cod) in my steam basket. And of course, rice. It makes me feel better, even though it is super inconvenient to spend an hour cooking when I get home at 8:00 and need to sleep by 11:00 (10:00 ideally). But it sure beats the McDonald's I've frequented all too often. I will not go to McDonald's for a year once I return home. I swear. Unless they continue being my only hope for sweet tea. But definitely no burgers. =) McFlurry?? Okay, but no burgers!

Vindication & Frustration

I feel a little more vindicated today as I discovered some of my frustrations about the way the program is run and the working environment here in HK are shared by one of my co-workers. I would not have thought her the type, but we totally bonded over it today. Yay for having a confidant and support system this summer! =)

Air Hockey HK Style

Two or three pucks at a time.

Completely insane or really fun???

Come to Hong Kong and find out!!

Manifesto on the Importance of Children

In traditional Hawaiian culture, children are considered sacred. There is no such thing as an unwanted child. If a child is abandoned or neglected, another will step up to claim them. Such is the way life works when you believe that all people are connected in one big 'ohana, family. Many other cultures hold similar beliefs about the virtues of brotherhood and common ancestry, but much of these virtues seem to have vanished in modern times.

Children are sacred, as they should be. After all, they are the future, and without them life would hold less meaning. It would simply be some meaningless march to the end of existence. We need them. They carry on the ways of humans, the languages and cultures of those around them. But they also shape the future too. They are not meant to be perfect, nor are they meant to mindlessly replicate and reproduce the past and their "culture." They are sacred because they challenge us. They challenge us to live up to the great responsibility of raising a child, of nurturing a new life, and they challenge us all to be the positive role models they need as they begin to influence and shape our world. They challenge us to be better people and to reassess our own choices. These children also challenge us to see the world from a new perspective, one of intense clarity and innocence. One focused on the future, not the past. They change us, yet it is our choice to change.

Still, today many do not treat these children as the sacred entities they are. They reject their responsibility, refuse to change, and remain blind to the future the children represent. Without the nurturing 'ohana they were intended for, they create their own, amongst the other neglected children. They find solace in gangs, the 'ohana of the neglected, and assert their sacredness through acts of power and defiance. They still shape the future; they still are the future. But not the future we, as adults, are meant to cultivate.

Our 'ohana is breaking in modern society. Not always is it the fault of the parents who find themselves ill-equipped and ill-prepared to care for our future, often due to many reasons beyond their control. Still, unlike in the Hawaiian tradition, no one else is standing up to come to their aid. Capable people refuse to claim the abandoned children, ignore the call for the "aunties" and "uncles" to help the parents in need. To each his own, the American way, leaving our children behind, our future deformed.

To repair our future, we must repair our 'ohana. We must treat our children as sacred. One needs not be a parent to take a role in cultivating our future. There is a need for the aunties and uncles to step up and nurture the children as well. This must be a priority. Not just for the government, but for all Americans. The education, cultivation, and respect of the children of our 'ohana impacts everything. It impacts the economy, foreign policy, crime rates, and all the other issues politicians concern themselves over in a way that no piece of legislation or policy passed today ever can. The impact is deep and long-lasting. The impact is profound and rewarding. To do so requires the sort of patience and teamwork the Hawaiians have valued for centuries.

Together we can claim the abandoned children and rebuild our 'ohana so that the future looks bright again.

I look forward to accepting my responsibility as father. To changing and learning, to nurturing and respecting. For now, I play my part as a teacher. Indeed this is a major reason why I teach. I know that alone I cannot accomplish much, I cannot rescue our future or change the world. I can only do my part to serve the greater 'ohana, and that is all any of us can do. And I hope that by my example I can inspire others to do the same.

King of the Court

Today was a day of first.

First, at lunch the staff held a Staff Talent Show to entertain the students. And I sang. I sang my first solo in front of a group larger than 10. It was actually 150. I chose to sang my favorite song from my Hawaiian ensemble class, "Beautiful Kahana." I'm not sure what it sounded like, but I think okay at least. And I got a lot of compliments afterwards which is really nice. I think many had never heard Hawaiian before (although I violated the English all the time rule).

Then during sports I took a break from responding to lesson plans to play GaGa. Apparently it is a variety of dodgeball very popular amongst the Jewish community. The students wanted to play students vs. teachers. That meant 14 students vs. me and Ezra (the teacher). So in the first throw they manage to knock out Ezra. Then I stared down the 14 students. I taunted them a little (although I'm not sure they understood what I was saying). Then I proceeded to knock all 14 of them out, including the last 2 during the last 10 seconds of class. Basically, I ruled. Actually, I think it had more to do with them missing me than with me dodging the ball, but still I was pretty happy afterward. And sweaty.

So, I accomplished something today. Ready for bed.

Hong Konging It

So, I'm here again. And throughout my days leading up to being in the HK, as well as a number of times since my arrival, I have wondered about why I'm here. Of course, I can't really tell Emily this because she is already so mad that I came and I'm not in Hawaii and so telling her that I'm not enjoying it would be like rubbing salt in the wound. And I am enjoying it (mostly). Let's just say that this summer has been significantly better than the previous summer here. I really feel like I'm a respected, reliable part of the community. I feel like the teachers actively seek me for help and that they really take my advice seriously. I feel like I've connected with everyone this summer, and that didn't happen so well last time. I think that leads me to talk about why I'm here.

So, I'm working as the Dean of Faculty of Summerbridge Hong Kong (one of its three sites, at least). My main duties involves organizing the faculty training week(s), supporting the teaching quality of the program, supporting the teachers, doing observations, reading lesson plans, delivering many workshops on teaching (lesson planning, assessment, classroom management, ELD, ...), and running the evaluation week. It is a consuming job (not just time, but soul) as all jobs at Summerbridge are.

At the moment, I'm here for the teachers. I feel like I've made a connection with them and to leave now would be the absolute worst thing ever. But I think I came here this summer for these reasons:
a) I'm addicted to Summerbridge/Breakthrough. I really believe in this program.
b) I want to change lives. This program does that.
c) I don't know if I'll be able to return to Summerbridge again.
d) It's comfortable. And I was invited (didn't even have to apply) to return by Shirley.
E) I WANTED TO DO IT BETTER. I felt like a total failure the previous summer. Between all the nonsense with Stephanie around, all the emotional turmoil I was going through, the challenges of the program, and the new environment, I really wasn't doing well in any regards.

So, I'm doing better. Even better than last summer, I would say. I have made the teachers my #1 priority. I want to be there for them whenever they need me, check in with them often, and help them have an amazing experience (and become better teachers). Yes, it is really exciting for me because I know I'm training at least a few future professional teachers, and I hope they find it valuable. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from everyone. That helps a lot.

Still, I've had my difficulties. I realized one of my main challenges from the previous summer was unrelated to my emotional state. It has come up rather quickly again this summer. I have a hard time working with the director. And what's so sad is that I really REALLY like her as a person. I've felt a connection with her ever since the first day I met her. Still, I hate working with her. And I felt the same way last summer. Only now I've realized what it is about the situation that bothers me so much. I can name it. She is a huge micro-manager. I've never worked with someone like that before. Never. And I know it is because she cares so much about the program and she generally has good opinions and ideas. And I know I just need to deal with it because there are probably a lot of people like her out there, many of whom I may work with in the future.

But I still can't stand feeling like I can only do my job, what I'm supposedly responsible for, if I explain everything I want to do or say to her and receive her approval. Most often she provides lots of criticism and "suggestions" for change which are really not suggestions at all because I have no authority to not heed them. She is literally involved in every decision made in the program. I don't know how she does it. It just makes me feel like I'm not trusted to do my job well, and not allowed to make a mistake, and have no real authority or ownership over the program because in the end it must receive her approval or I must succumb to her feedback.

Well, that was how Faculty Orientation Week felt. Lousy. For her too, I know. Now that the summer has started, though, I have more freedom to manage myself. I basically spend the day talking to teachers, observing classes and giving feedback, and reading lesson plans (and giving feedback). I also work with the Department Heads to discuss teaching issues and make a lot of announcements and reminders at staff meetings. It is tiring, but not too bad. I've got my goal in focus, very clearly and that drives me.

We are about to finish Week 2 with Field Trip Day. In the afternoon we are going to Hong Kong Park to do different events where the students must use English outside of Summerbridge. It is usually pretty fun (although super tiring) and I get to lead a station and interact with the students, which I always enjoy. After that 4 weeks before I go home! Woohoo! I'm looking forward to leaving, of course, but I'm also not dreading the rest of the summer.

I LOVE SUMMERBRIDGE
T (Single T)

Sightseeing

The most amazing thing here is to see how old the buildings are and then to imagine being alive hundreds of years ago. Even Sandrine’s house is well over a hundred years old and there are parts still made from a mixture of soil, hay, and water. There is this amazing place/castle called Mont St. Michel which is like a town on a small island that is surrounded by water daily with the high tide. It has huge walls around the outside, the spiked metal doors hanging over the archways, stone everything, just medieval. It is amazing. And we visited old towns that have these walls or ramparts surrounding them and you can almost see the archers and guards waiting to defend the city from attack. We went to Basel, Switzerland the other day and there were all these buildings that are now homes and shops and have placards that say they were built in 1496 or something. It is really cool. And the cathedrals are immense and so elaborate. Just something you can’t get in the States.

Showers

First of all, the weather here is really different. In Rennes, it was often cloudy and there was some rain. But the strangest thing was that the sun was up so late! It was up from 7am to 11pm!! It felt like afternoon at 8pm. Then in Alsalce, it has been colder and rainier. Definitely good for long-sleeves. Oh well. I’ll be sweating so much in Hong Kong, I’m sure I’ll more than make up for it.

The showers here are really different. I respect the attempts to save water, but they take some getting used to. The shower heads are hand-held and you shower in a bath tub, often without in sort of a shower curtain. That means you have to be careful not to squirt everything in the bathroom/water closet. So, to not get everything wet, you kneel down in the tub and then wet yourself. Actually, I’ve taken to sitting because it is hard on the knees to kneel in the tub. Then you turn off the water and put the shower head down and soap/shampoo-up. It gets a little cold during this portion of the shower. Then you turn the shower back on and rinse. I think the whole kneeling thing makes it take a little longer, because you can’t wet your whole body as easily as the overhead showers. I don’t know, it isn’t too bad. Just different.

Hard Times

Generally everything has been so great, but there are a few things that have been challenging. One thing is definitely the language. It is really frustrating to try to be myself in a language I only speak at a very basic level. And being translated doesn’t have the same effect either. Plus I often feel out of the loop. I don’t know what is going on that well and I’m sure it is hard on Emily to try to translate things and feel me in. Beyond just not knowing what is being said is the feeling of being left out. Especially once Sandrine and Stefan (her sister and brother-in-law) arrived and there was this family laughing and joking and being nostalgic in a language I didn’t know well, I couldn’t help but feel like the odd one out. And it is so tiring! It takes a lot out of me to try to follow a conversation in French and sometimes I have a hard time getting out of bed just because I don’t want to deal with all the French and all the difference and stuff.

Plus there is all this talk here about Emily and me getting married and having babies. Not that I don’t want that or that we haven’t talked about it before, but it felt so different to have it assumed publicly like that. I mean, it felt like a lot of pressure all at once. And then there is just the general not knowing of not being in control and being in a different culture and being pushed out of your comfort zone. Emily loves to embrace challenges, try new things, get pushed beyond her comfort. I’m more like a baby-step kind of person. I grew up in a cocoon and only just started pushing myself a little at a time since college. It can be overwhelming at times.

And I might still be jet –lagged!

Why are we here?

Emily studied French in school and spent her senior year in high school studying in Rennes, France. Rennes is in the northwest region of France called Brittany and is somewhere near the English Channel. She quickly came to love her host family (Joelle- mom, Jacques- dad, Sandrine- sister) and they basically adopted her. She has visited them a few times since then, but hasn’t been there since four years ago. Sandrine recently married Stephan and had a baby named Agatha. So we spent the first part of the trip in Rennes with Joelle and Jacques and then met up with Sandrine’s family at Auray, near the Atlantic Coast, to attend a wedding of a family friend. From there we traveled back across the country (by train) to the northeastern region of Alsalce to go to Sandrine’s house in Reiningue. She lives less than an hour away from Germany and Switzerland. From there we’ll go to Paris by ourselves for a few days before flying out. Romantic? It has been nice to share it with her for sure. It has been a bit of a challenge for me and I have been trying not to get in the way of Emily’s enjoyment and her time with her family. I am also trying to win the approval of her family too. Her mom has already accepted me as her new son-in-law and so I think that’s a good sign. It is our first big trip together and we have been coping pretty well. I can’t wait till we get to Paris!

Arrival in France

France is a wonderful place to visit. Getting here, however, is not so easy. The plane rides were rough. I had the hardest time trying to sleep without being to put my seat back and having to deal with all the announcements and people passing by. After the 2 hour drive to San Francisco starting at 3:30am on Saturday, the hour of waiting in the airport, the 5 hour trip to Philadelphia, the 2 hour layover, and the 7 hour trip to Paris, came the 2 hour wait for the train and the 3 hour train ride. Add to that a time change of 9 hours from California and the trip takes about a day and a half. Well, I got a little sick and grumpy towards the end, but managed to muster up enough energy to converse with Emily’s host parents and their friend. My French is better than their English, if that gives you a clue to how good their English is. My French has been better than predicted, but it is certainly frustrating to not be able to communicate everything you want to say. Still, for only one class, I’m pretty impressive. =) Thanks to Stasia’s mom.

And how is France? Well, the first thing I noticed is that they drive on the same side of the road as we do. And the driver’s seat is in the same place too. I was really surprised at that. Also, given the fact that the US economy is so poor and the dollar isn’t worth much, I quickly realized how expensive this trip will be. The vending machine had bottles of water for 2€ which is nearly $4. A small sandwich and drink ran 6.5€, more than $10! Oh boy. But I just went to the local supermarket, and you can get a huge thing of cheese for a couple of dollars. So all is not bad.

Actually, the food has been fantastique so far. My first meal was a large lunch at her parents’ house. It was so typical French. We started with an aperitif (means having some sort of alcohol) and a plate of melon and ham (but French ham). Then we had a plate of rotisserie chicken. Then some salad. Then came…the French fries! And finally some bread with cheese and ice cream for dessert. So delicious! And then croissants for breakfast. J’aime beaucoup la cuisine française.

Besides this, her family has been so kind and I’m having a great time. Can’t wait to see more!

Truth

Truth is as truth does or so they say quote unquote, although I often quote what wasn't said or meant, but I said it and I mean what I say.

Losing Her Still

And still. After all these days. After all these months.

After all these years I cannot escape the dreams. The ones where I cry and hold her and beg her not to leave. Where I know that as soon as she leaves, I won't see her again. Where I cook for her, show her my home, introduce her to my friends. The dreams leave a melancholy in their wake, but then I realize that at least

I still have these dreams.

Missing my mom...