Missing Thoughts

There is a lot of missing I have to put up with in my life. I would imagine most do, but as I don't know there side of things, I can only really reflect on mine. Being at my sister's makes me realize how much I miss having them in my life. It also makes me miss home. And even though I have a lot of wonderful people around me at home, I still miss more. Besides my sister, I miss Stephanie a lot. I think about her daily, have such strong feelings for her, and yet only see her every now and then. I miss my friends from home that have moved away. I miss my Vandy friends who are either in school or graduated and somewhere far away. I miss my mom. I miss her almost everyday. I miss my dad too. I miss even the thought that I could maybe see them today. My sister still gets stuck thinking she will. She thinks about calling Mom sometimes, before it dawns on her she can't. I don't have those thoughts. I just have the "if only they were here" or "I could tell them this" thoughts. And even with all the people around me at home, I miss them too. I miss seeing them everyday or sharing different things with them.

I get caught wondering how different my life would be if all these people were closer, if they were around and available every day. I generally think that that would make me extremely happy and probably the luckiest person in the world. Sometimes these thoughts of missing can build up so much that they obscure the fact that I could be happy right now. I'm glad that all these people I care about are in my life, in whatever fashion that is, because life would be less fulfilling without them. I look forward to the moments we have together, even when they are few and far between. I try to stay optimistic and get the most out of phone calls and emails and any other way we can keep in contact. But sometimes I can't help but want more. I can't help but feel unsatisfied. Tonight my sister asked if I'd think about staying a few days more. A little longer. I wish I could. But, I can either try and be as happy as possible with what I've got, or spend my life being disappointed and sad. I've been sad before, and I didn't like that life. I'm happier now. But I don't like missing people this much. Chances are, if you're reading this, I'm talking about you. I miss you.

A love poem to share

Maybe this poem will warm your Valentine hearts... :)

“Something to Share”

A sunny day,
A sky of blue,
A moonlit walk,
I’ll share with you.

Dance the waltz,
Try something new,
A trip to China,
I’ll share with you.

Soft, warm blankets,
Dinner for two,
A good night’s sleep,
I’ll share with you.

My past, my fears,
A love that’s true,
My dreams, my life,
I’ll share with you.

China on my mind...

So, to continue with the theme of the other day, I thought you all should know...

I'M GOING TO HONG KONG!!!!

Yay!! I got accepted to teach at the Summerbridge program in Hong Kong and I'll be going there this summer (from late-June to mid-August). It is going to be AWESOME!! I've wanted to teach there for a while now. It will be so cool to go to Asia and the program takes good care of you. And the focus is on teaching English Language Learners which is the focus of my professional goals too...perfect! There are only about 6 spots for Americans in the program and over 100 applicants, so it's pretty tough to get in. They pay for your plane ticket, put you up in dorms for free, and pay you a stipend of a couple thousand. But that's not all! I won't be going alone. Stephanie is coming too!!! So, we'll get to spend the summer together in China and be all Summerbridgey again. It will be great. I'd probably be a lot more worried if I wasn't going with her. Just another thing to look forward to. Now I just need to get accepted into some grad schools and then I'll feel hella wanted.

Bad Chinese

So, yesterday I had some bad Chinese food for dinner. What other kind of Chinese food would you expect in Indiana. I also went to bed late after saying something mean to Stephanie, my Chinese girlfriend. Well, today I was hit with some Chinese Revenge, worse than Moctezuma. I have been in bed sick all day and I am such a huge baby when I'm sick. I even threw-up earlier today for the first time in a long long time and it was so gross! And I've had a fever and headaches and haven't been able to sleep much at all. I feel yucky. And I missed Madi's basketball game, but luckily she won and scored 6 points and they'll play again next week. I hate being sick, but I guess I did piss off the Chinese gods. I hope they get it all out today.

Plane Poetry

I thought I'd share this poem I wrote on the plane to Indiana:

“Pray for Me”

If I should die before I wake,
I ask myself who’s heart will break?

And if those broken hearts won’t mend,
And normal does not come again,
Would it be my fault that they hurt?
Am I guilt-free beneath the dirt?

When my time comes to leave this place,
I’ll ask the Lord for hope and grace.


So far the trip is going well, despite a bad start. I had some serious sinus pain. So much pain. It is definitely the most physical pain I've experienced in my grown life. Which is pretty lucky, but still, it's darn painful. And we had to land in 3 places and it hurt each time. Then, they lost my luggage. But the kids were so happy to see me. Especially Chasen. For some reason he has always really liked me. He even proposed marriage to me a few times yesterday. He never liked Mom very much. I don't know what his deal is. But it has been nice so far. Very comfortable and happy and relaxing during the daytime/nighttime when I'm alone. I get to see Madi play basketball today, so that will be fun.

Learning to Smile Again

Tuesday I woke up and felt different. I felt as though I were 10 lbs. lighter. I felt as though the day would be a good day. I felt like smiling. I felt better than I have felt in months. I felt normal. I thought at first maybe I had just eaten something funny and that the feeling would go away, but it didn't. This past week I has been the best week I've had in months. I'm happier. Not that I haven't cried at all, but the happiness has settled in. It is easier to talk with people. It is easier to smile and laugh. My therapist says that I'm beginning to move into the acceptance phase of grief. But all this would never have happened if I didn't go through one of the worst weeks in my life the week before. I had a complete emotional breakdown the Saturday before, wallowing in a depression as if I were in a deep hole in the middle of the forest. But, had it not been for Stephanie pushing me to recognize how sad I was and for a fleeting thought of suicide to scare me so bad I cried more than I have in my life, than I would never have been able to deal with the grief I didn't recognize prior. With the help of my Auntie Josie, I was able to pull myself together and recognize a few things:

1) I was depressed.
2) I needed help.
3) Things would get better.
4) It was natural.

And things got better. I am so optimistic about everything. I began therapy, I'm going to go visit my sister in Indiana next week, my life will pick up when I get back (I can start working, my rehearsals will begin, etc.) and all isn't so bad. It lifted my spirits and I've been dying to share the new me with everyone. Oh. And here' s something you wouldn't expect a doctor to prescribe. My therapist asked if I were interested in taking anti-depressent medications and I told her that I'm interested, but I'm not sure if I need them now. "Good," she said. "I want you to try excercising for 30 minutes daily before we try drugs. That should lift your spirits, give you energy, and boost your appetite." So, I've been doing well with this new addition to my life. I linked excercising with another activity I do daily- showering. So, before I can take a shower, I have to excercise. I've been working on a route where I walk for 10 minutes, run for 10 minutes, and walk for 5 minutes. I'll keep you posted on how it all goes. So far, I'm hopeful.

But the main point of this entry is to say...I'M DOING MUCH BETTER!!! So, hopefully that makes you feel better too. :-)