Fell In

So today I jumped.
You know how scared you get
those tick-tocking moments before,
but then you see the others diving
head first and having fun
and you slip along with them,
But really you jump.

I plunged with the water rushing
rushing over my head
cooling the burning thoughts
fevering the sickness inside.

As I emerged from the water
some of that pain floated
along with the waves,
while some still stuck like
salt to the skin.

I was cooled though.
And it feels better.

Dreams of Losing Again

Perhaps wounds aren't made to heal completely
__at least not the deepest ones
that break open time and again
__although not as frequently as at first
to remind you that you are not the same as before
__although perhaps that doesn't mean worse off
and that keep you from forgetting that you changed
__at least it helps you remember what/who you lost
and maybe that thing/person is worth remembering.

Program Evaluation

I feel like success here is measured in smiles and tears. Things are great if people are smiling. The summer was good if everyone cries on the last days. All anyone talks about after our four-hour long closure ceremony Friday or Celebration is whether so and so cried and how much. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all about qualitative data, and tears and smiles can have a lot of meaning. Still, shouldn't there be at least some numbers of how many students progress on to the top secondary schools and universities, some academic measures of language development, and some record of what schools students come from. Maybe it's just me.

My 7th Celebration

In some ways Celebration tonight was really beautiful, powerful, and touching in a way that most other Celebrations were not. The love the students have for the program was so evident and it really reminded me of why I come back each year. It is a life-changing experience for the students. It really can change who they are, set them on a different path, and inspire them to believe in themselves and choose a better life.

At the same time, there was certainly traces of what I struggle with most here, parts that showed that this really is Shirley's program. In a way it is touching to see how much of an impact this person has made on the lives of everyone involved. At the same time though, I have seen this same impact on students in Sacramento. But in Sacramento the thanks is not typically given to one main person, but instead shared with the whole program. While the faces of directors and staff may change, the events may differ, the heart and soul of Summerbridge lives on and continues to change lives. I think it is possible to develop a self-sustaining program that has this life-changing potential at its core, no matter who is the director. Here, though, most everything is dependent on the work of this Superwoman.

And, after Celebration, I could say she's been doing fairly amazing work, no matter how critical I might be of her.

Paychecks

Okay, so I've been ruminating on this issue for a while, ever since I was hired to take over the teaching position for the teacher that left early. That meant I had to do my job, plus do a number of additional tasks not in my job description including planning and teaching lessons, doing weekly student evaluation notes, participating in meetings with the other teachers that I share students with, and being the Arts department head. So, I have been thinking about whether I should get some sort of pay increase for doing it. It certainly was never offered. But the more I thought of it and the more people that I've shared with, the more I think I should get something more. I mean, yes some extra money would be much appreciated, but it isn't the real issue. The real issue is professionalism. Knowing that the teacher, Amy, won't receive her paycheck for the second half of the summer, I know it isn't like I'd be robbing from Summerbridge. You would think it would just be offered, right? And then today I found out that they had tried to hire Leo (the patron saint of SBHK) to take over the class, and he turned it down. In other words, Shirley tried to find someone else to take the job and was willing to pay them something, but instead stuck me with the job and didn't offer any money.

I think it is one example of the way I've been treated this summer (and in 2006). I feel fairly unappreciated and disrespected, not recognized as a professional- not an SB teacher, and generally left out because I don't act like Shirley's lap dog, waiting to do everything she tells me to. After all, am I not supposed to be the expert teacher and have some authority and expertise to share? I don't know. But there are only four days (WHAT?? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IS TRUE!!) left and then I'm done. For good.

No Perfectionists Please

So today was Celebration part 1. Because we lost a day this week to the typhoon, we spent today at school, including the students, to prepare for Celebration. It ended up being a day that lasted from 8am to 8:30pm. It was crazy. We worked with the students to prep them for tomorrow's real Celebration (and we will have another run-through with them tomorrow). Then we worked on decoration, which is usually not the best day for me. I mean, come on. It requires both manual and artistic labor, two things I don't do well. But I toughed it out for eight hours. Mind you I slept through breakfast and I'll I got for lunch was one slice of pizza (apparently pineapple is the most popular HK topping). Not to mention the fact I kinda overdosed on cough syrup (I took a swig because I didn't have a teaspoon).

So it was a long day, and it made me realize how I've grown to really expect and appreciate efficiency. I have been running into issues with inefficient systems all summer long. But today, all the waiting for things to happen really got to me. And because Shirley basically required me to stay the whole time, even when I could tell I wasn't needed any longer, there was a lot of waiting.

BUT! The point of the story is that there are a number of perfectionists on the staff (and admin) and it really drives me crazy. I mean it is great to care, but at some point let's just move on and get other things done so we can go home before midnight. I guess I am not a perfectionist, so it is hard for me to understand. I mean, my life is by no means perfect and neither has been my work. Still, it has generally been good and I'm happy with it. I expect imperfection. I do. Maybe I'm jaded because I'm a teacher. I know that there is no perfect lesson or perfect day, but that doesn't keep them from being good or effective. And those imperfections give you something to learn from. I don't think perfectionists can last long in teaching.

I mean how stressful to be striving for perfection. Example: This group of teachers spent all day to first blow up hundreds of white and pink balloons, then string them together to create a "balloon banner" for lack of a better description. It definitely looks cool, BUT it could be wonderful even without it and maybe there are better ways to spend five hours. Then, once it was put together, there were issues with the hanging. Then balloons started popping off leaving the dreaded gaps that annoyed all the perfectionists of the group. Finally we managed to string it and tie it up at an appropriate level, avoiding any balloonless gaps and it looked good. BUT there was this one chunk of balloons were one seemed to stick out too awkwardly and that drove some people crazy. Crazy enough to untie the strings, bring down the balloons, fix the awkward balloon, notice that there were actually some gaps after all, and fix those too. Finally we strung it back up and retied it, only to go through much the same with two big torches hung in front of the proscenium curtains of the stage.

I don't know. I just hope I don't have to work with too many perfectionists in my life. Maybe I'm lazy, but I don't think so. I think I'm just healthier. =)

A quote for teachers

"Teaching is complicated, but it is also rewarding in ways that many other jobs can never be. You have the chance to interact daily with live, growing, thinking, maturing human beings, and that time is special, despite the complications of managing a bureaucratized, overcrowded classroom of overtested, underchallenged students."
-Virginia Collier
Professor of Bilingual/Multicultural/ESL Education
George Mason University

Nice Guys Finish _______

So, tonight we had a dinner for everyone in the Arts department (which I am officially part of, and department head since I was asked to replace a teacher last week). It was fun, but the real story starts afterwards (well, after the mandatory stop at McDonald's for ice cream---okay, side story: they just started a new promotion where after 9pm you can get a double sundae which basically means two sundaes in one cup, but you can mix-and-match your syrups: hot fudge, mango-passion fruit, or strawberry. So that was all the rave tonight).

As I was walking back home with a couple of the teachers, somehow they got to talking about hitting on girls (mind you, there were three guys and one girl). So, of course, I shared two of my favorite lines, "Do you have a compass? Because I'm lost in your eyes." And, "If I had a library card, I might check you out." After thinking more seriously about it though, I confessed that I really don't know because I have never actively hit on someone that I didn't know and would probably start just by being nice to them.

That triggered the girl (from California) to respond, "Nice? Mat, don't you know that nice guys finish last?" To which my response was, "That's not true." I was thinking about myself being one of those typical "nice guys" and thinking about what a good relationship I'm in right now and feeling confident about the future. I couldn't help but think that I'm in a lot better state than many of the guys my age.

So she said, "Yes it is. Girls don't like the nice guys."

"I don't know. Maybe those are the girls I wouldn't want to be with anyways." Of course, here I openly identify myself as a "nice guy" to the group; and I also set her up to respond with, "Well, I don't like the nice guys."

Okay, so did I just insult her? I'm not sure. But I could have gone further and said things like "That's what you say now," or "Have you ever dated any nice guys?" or, worse, "Are you dating anyone now? Do you think that might be related??"

Needless to say, I didn't say anything else. It did get me thinking about it though. Because about 3-4 years ago, I would have agreed with her. But since then, not only do I have further proof that girls do like me, "the nice guy," but I think I have a lot more confidence in myself. I know I'm a catch. I know I have a lot to offer a woman. Not perfect by any means. But good.

And so I'm thinking it's those nice guys who lack self-confidence that really finish last. I have been there. But with confidence, you can totally overcome all those other obstacles.

And I have always hated those "bad boys" or "crazy, party guys." Always. That's a big reason why I don't have a lot of guy friends. And if I have such a dislike for that kind of person, how could I ever be that kind of person. No matter how tempting that is, or how tempting the girls looking for that are. And I have been tempted many a time. But I could never really do it. It just isn't me.

And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm happy with that.

bothersome thoughts

negative thoughts are always better to have
on paper than in one's head
or so it's said
but writing down
these thoughts
doesn't just delete the existence of the thought
in your mind-
alleviates the pressure, sure-
but the thought continues to exist in the mind
as it does on paper

to get it on paper though
requires revisiting and clarifying
the thoughts that you want to vanquish

on the paper though
they become concreted
clay to manipulate,
___________toy with,
_______________crumple up,
_____________________let simmer,

and close the book.

Typhoon Day Thoughts

So, today was our first typhoon day of the summer. That meant no Summerbridge! Good and bad. Good because I was happy to get to sleep longer, have time to work on my own projects, and finish up some SB stuff. Bad because my students probably won't be able to finish their projects well in one day (they are creating a portrait [incorporating either Egyptian or Renaissance art elements] of their personal hero and writing a paragraph to say why that person is so important) and I worry we will be staying longer the next few days to make up for it and prepare for Celebration on Sunday. Ah!!

Well, it gives me a chance to sit down and blog a little. I guess one topic that has been on my mind has been my brother's wedding. I mentioned it in the "Island Fever" post. It was a bit of a surprise, it all happened so suddenly, but I am really happy for him. He definitely deserves a companion in life, someone to love and receive support from. I think Mandie is a good match for him. Being with them definitely feels like family; I think that's a good indication. They have asked me to be the official that marries them. Talk about pressure! I'll need to figure out what they do since I haven't really been to many weddings. Well, I think it will be a really special moment in our lives.

That has got me thinking about my life's path and where it is leading. I still am not really clear what is happening next year. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it though. I'm happy with the present. But I can't help but want to have some hold on my future! I'm not a super adventurous, live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person.

Anyways, I'm preparing for a couple of weddings and a conference next semester. Should be fun!!