Feeling the End Drawing Near

It's funny the difference a week can make. Last week was so stressful and I felt like I'd never be able to complete all the tasks I needed in order to get through it and in order to be prepared for next semester. Things seemed to be drawing to a rapid fire close and the summer sun was setting and I wasn't ready. Now, however, I've completed some of those tasks, caught up on some SB paperwork, found more support and encouragement from others and generally feel more relaxed. It helped a lot to have Madi here. She stayed a few nights with me and having someone else around to hang out with and to motivate me to cook (I made a wicked chicken stir fry that night), exercise, and generally take care of myself was great. She and I are a lot alike and we get along really well together, so it's always great to spend more time with her. I also think taking time to ran away from things and going up to Tahoe to visit Stasia last weekend helped too. Some water and fresh air and deep breaths and time to write. Plus gorgeous stars. I love it there.

This coming week, however, may be more stressful. I've got to start wrapping up things for Summerbridge, plus Emily will get here midweek. It's been two months since I last saw her which seems like forever in some ways, especially since we haven't been able to talk much this past month thanks to her 24 hr babysitting of high schoolers on a community service trip to Hawaii. Now, she'll be here and it's a little scary. I hope it goes well. I want to show her so much, yet there is so little time since I'll be working. And my sister will be here on Friday too. Lots of people around that I want to see before I leave the following week. Oh. It is a little overwhelming thinking about it.

I think I will retreat back and start cleaning up my room.

P.S. If you were at all interested in the fallout from the Stephanie visit, here goes. In case you didn't know, she ended up coming to SB to do a site visit. I had little contact with her, but when I did try to approach her to tell her congrats on graduating and going to Singapore, she gave the same kind of cold-shouldered, indifferent response as she had a year ago. Apparently the year hadn't changed her much, while I felt like a very different person standing before her. Sad really. But I'm proud of how far I've come this past year and of all I've accomplished and how I've carried myself.

On 7-7-7

So, today was supposedly the "perfect day," as the attendant in the Downtown Plaza parking garage so pleasantly reminded me. I suppose "perfect" isn't exactly the best word to describe my day, but it was relatively near perfect. I started the day with some Baker Ben's donuts and finally took my car to Jiffy Lube for an oil change and check up. Funny how much smoother your car runs after one of those, which makes you wonder just how bad it was beforehand. Then I headed out to Davis to join Erica for a while. I really love the small town feel of Davis. It makes me think more and more that I would like living in a smaller town as opposed to the city. We walked around and visited some stores, we did some bike browsing and I learned all about the types of bikes available and what it means to have 21 gears, and then we got some lunch and talked and enjoyed a perfect day outside. It was beautiful and there was a nice breeze. Very relaxing and healing to sit and talk with her. Then I met up with Josh downtown to see Transformers: The Movie. It was only the second movie in the theaters that I've seen this year. The first one was Spiderman 3 which I went to see by myself when I first got back to California from Hawaii. I really was never a fan of Transformers as a child, but Josh was. Still, I loved the movie. It was funny and action-packed and just good! I would recommend it to all. And then I came home. The only thing that would have made it better would be a home cooked meal when I got home. Alas, the cupboards were bare and so it was quite simple. Nonetheless, the day was good and hopefully tomorrow can be too. Hope you all had a happy 7-7-7 day.

A Stephanie Encounter

actually, i had an encounter with stephanie on the phone today. i had called in to the national office for a conference call with all the fellows in the program and the coordinator. as we were introducing ourselves he stopped us to let us know that stephanie would be joining us. apparently she's been working in the national office doing some recruitment work and has an interest in the fellows program (or just in not disappearing from my life). she didn't say anything; i guess that's what bothered me. i had no intention of ever contacting her again after all this one-way communication from me to her. and then today i felt like i was forced into another one-way communication with her. anyways, it surprised me to say the least, but i recovered and the call went fine. still, i wished i hadn't had any contact with her. i supposed i was warned not to get involved with a summerbridger, as long as i'm in the network i won't get rid of her.

ug. i feel in a rut. i think some sleep will help and having a more active weekend. if you want to talk or do something, please call. =) on the plus side, i received some wonderful pictures from my trip to san diego from michelle with the baby evie. and i had some photos of my own developed and printed. plus i sent my home video of my childhood off to be turned into a dvd. not all together unproductive today, but i definitely could've done my work for hatesl like i was supposed to. i'm such a horrible event planner and president. okay, so that isn't true. i've been catching people saying that all week and making them take it back, so it would be hypocritical of me not to catch myself. i will work on it, i just need more energy than a friday can provide. maybe some sleep will help.

Independence Day 2007

So during my hour long traffic jam escaping the Cal Expo fireworks mania, I wrote an entry in my journal that I thought I'd share with the world. Happy Fourth!

Celebrating independence is still a strange concept for me. I feel as though it was something that was forced upon me and that I continue to struggle with. It's true that I need some alone time, but I'm also unhappy being alone so much. This past week has been hard form me because I've felt as though I have been giving so much. Trying to take care of and support others (my teachers, a couple of teachers in particular who have been struggling, some of my friends, Emily working in this new role, and my grandma) and I haven't gotten a lot of love and attention back. I've always been pretty spoiled and selfish growing up and the whole being selfless thing is quite taxing and I'm not even sure I'm very good at it. I still don't think I've help some of these teachers much. Leadership has proven difficult in this sense. And so, I've been taking care of myself...independent I suppose. And I haven't done a horrible job, but I'm at the point now where I want someone to sit with me and listen to all my problems and hold me and encourage me and care. Emily is so unavailable without cell phone or computers where she is working which compounds things a bit. I've seen two spectacular fireworks shows the past couple of days and only wished I could hold her (although I did get to hold Tyler for a bit today which was nice). Anyways, I guess I'm just a bit drained emotionally from pouring out aid, support, and encouragement nonstop this week.

I went with Grams to dinner (a rare feat for her) and my brother and Tyler joined us and then we saw the Cal Expo fireworks from the parking lot which were cool. Yesterday after SB I went with some of the teachers out to a River Cats game and it was definitely one of the top two best baseball experiences EVER!!! Sacramento lost, but we were the best cheerleaders the River Cats ever saw. So much fun. So, that's how I spent my holiday. Back to work in the morning. Oh my. And August with all the scariness of starting school again will be creeping up shortly. Ah!

Feeling: Overwhelmed (and I'm really not taking on that much)