From my journal...

This is taken from an entry in my journal on the night 11/14/05 shortly before my father passed away:

"As I reflect on life at the moment, sitting beside my dying father, I conclude that it is a screwy thing. I am not the first person to reach this conclusion, nor will I be the last. You would think that given as many people as have discovered this difficult fact, someone (maybe "them") would turn it into a scientific principle to be taught in schools, mandated as a state standard. Instead, it is a fact sometimes trivialized by clichés, other times hidden from view. Something one must encounter and comprehend in their own fashion.

"This year has been one of the craziest, without a doubt, in my life. But as marred by terrible tragedies, loss, and grief, there too have been extraordinary, fantastic, and special moments. These moments are what confuse me because although I want to call this year the worst year of my life, "a really shitty year," as Stasia would say, I feel like this generalization discounts the wonderful events and the thousands of smiles that I smile this year. The conundrum of life, I suppose, is that it is so complicated that you can't capture it in words.

"Listening to my father's harsh, raspy breathing, I can't help but wonder when the sound will stop. A part of my is subconsciously waiting for the moment. His breathe, as difficult as it is for him to obtain, is the only essential quality the separates him from death. The similarities to my mother's condition are eerie. And so, with the look on his face, I know what comes next."