Emails from the Messiah

I had the day off from school today, thanks to Election Day, and that gave me a lot of time to think (and procrastinate, and wallow, and veg out). Emily and I broke up a few weeks ago, a shock to me, and it has only recently begun to sunk in. I am prone to spells of depression and certainly now is an apt time for it. Mostly, the shock to my system and the impact on my life (both present and future) has been difficult to deal with. Clearly losing your lover, roommate, and best friend is really horrible and I love her so deeply that the void is great. Nevertheless, I know it is all for the best and I can, at least rationally, accept it (you'll need to call me for any details). Again, I know in my mind that things will be fine and I will be happy again and find someone else. I'm optimistic that way. But, right now, this moment, sitting here alone, with no one to talk to or hold on to, things seem bleak.

Times are tough for me at the moment. But the Messiah spoke to me today and made me feel a little better. I suppose, my life is a microcosm for the state of the nation as a whole. Is that presumptuous and a bit self-centered? Perhaps. But hear me out. Times are tough for the nation as a whole. A lot of people have lost their homes, lost their jobs, and lost their spirits. They worry about how to pay the bills and what future lies ahead of them. I'm there. Actually, I'm stuck on an island a few thousand miles away from there, which makes it even more difficult because I'm worried how I'm going to afford getting there given the high prices for flying. As the nation slips deeper into recession, I find myself slipping into depression.

And then today, the audacity of hope was kindled inside of me. Seemingly out of nowhere, this figure entered my life. He spoke to me. He said he knows that times are tough. He understands my worries. Then, with his words, he reached out, patted my head, and wrapped me up in an embrace. He said he knows what is like to feel lonely in a crowd of people after losing those that raised him. He said that times are tough, but we've been through tougher. We've seen worse and we are likely to see tough times again. What we need to cling to is not fear of the difficult times, but hope for the times to pass. We have been through worse, he said, and we will get through this. Happier times are on the horizon, but we need to make the changes in order to get there. It won't be easy, but if we work together we'll get there. He is working for me and believes in me and us and our nation. He is Barack Obama.

And I always laughed off the Messiah mocking of Obama. I thought he was truly inspirational, but never more than an amazing politician. But today, at my most vulnerable moment, he entered my otherwise empty home and heart, and he filled it with hope and optimism. And seeing the nation put their faith in him and seeing how he graciously accepted the terribly difficult job of leading us out of the hardships we face, that was beyond just inspirational. That was messionic for me. Now, I'm not saying he lifted away all traces of depression or heartache, but this abstract figure (I've never seen him in person) gave me faith that I will get through this and gave me a little push down the path for a better future. I was stalled, but I feel like I'm moving again.

And I made the decision to leave Hawaii. I'm going to leave in December. I need to leave behind the memories and move on because my future isn't here, only my past. I will leave in December, seek comfort and strength in my family and close friends for the holidays, and then in January I will set out on a new adventure. It will be a slightly scary adventure, I'm not exactly sure where it will lead (although it currently looks like it will pass through San Diego), but I'm excited about it. I feel a little too complacent here now, dealing with the present, too eager to start the future, but that will pass. Within two months I will be in a new place, a better place.

And President Obama reminded me of that. I will always feel a certain bond with him, I think. I hope I will meet this man one day (maybe that's my agnosticism wanting me to see him in person because I have doubts that he is real). Until then, I'm just glad that he keeps sending me emails. Today he sent me an email thanking me for helping him with his campaign AND he said that he will stay in touch with me to let me know how I can continue to help make this nation better. I'm glad he said that because I was worried he was a fairweather friend and just using me to help him win the election and then he'd stop talking to me. I hope we have a long relationship.

I'll end by saying that he has not been the only one rescuing me from a loss of hope and depression. I want to thank my friends who have called me and dragged me out of the house. Barbara has been a huge savior for me (and, ironically, for Emily too), inviting me to do things with her and her daughters the past two weeks and her phone call out of the blue today really changed my day too. Julie flew from Quebec (okay, so it was unrelated, but still), and spent many days and hours right afterward just keeping me company and being an ear for my thoughts. Stasia has offered a lot of support and advice (as always) with her phone calls and emails and Elisa has allowed me to call her late at night to talk her ear off. My sister, of course, always is full of support and offered me her house, and my grandma is going to fly out at the end of the month to keep me company. So, while I can forget it when I'm sitting at home alone, I know that I am not alone in this world. You may consider it a flaw that I am so dependent in this way, but I don't know what I would do without you all. I love you all and I'm grateful for your friendship.