Counting Your Losses

My therapist helped me realize something about losses today. Part of the grieving process following a loss involves missing. As I wrote before, missing is a huge part of my life. Luckily, many of the people I miss, I haven't actually lost. They remain a part of my life, in the same capacity, only just not within reach all the time. But actually losing someone, as I have lost these past months, is a little different.

My conclusion is that when you lose someone you care about, you miss them on three levels. One: you miss the person. You miss all the things you loved about that person, the special way that person had, the things that person would say or do, the way the person looked or laughed. You miss all the things about that person that made them special to you to begin with.

Two: you miss the role they filled. You miss having a mom, a dad, a sister, or a girlfriend. And you miss all the things that the role involved, be it unconditional love and support, advice and nurturing, or someone to hold or share things with or write to or be creative for or love. This level of missing is especially hard when the role can't be refilled. You might have more uncles, you could find another girlfriend, but you can never really replace your parents. Luckily, though I might not be able to replace my parents, all of my second moms and dads are doing a great job at covering most of the bases.

Three: you miss the dreams you had with that person. You miss all the wonderful futures or could-have-beens that can't be anymore. You miss the prospects of happiness that suddenly have not become feasible. For example, one of the hardest things about losing my mom is that I miss the fantasies about her taking care of my children and sharing with my kids their "Grandma Di." That's one of the most powerful aspects of loss and the grieving process that I never really thought about until today. I think more than anything, that last level of missing is what makes the loss so hard. You can't get over how much better things could have been, but now won't be.

Well, two kind of depressing entries in a row. That's not good. I'll have to write something more uplifting soon. I'm doing a few fun things this weekend and then Lan and Ashley will be out here on Tuesday for Spring Break and that is sure to give me lots to blog about. So, don't get too depressed, hang in there, and we'll have happier programming on soon.

Smiles to you.