Celebrating independence is still a strange concept for me. I feel as though it was something that was forced upon me and that I continue to struggle with. It's true that I need some alone time, but I'm also unhappy being alone so much. This past week has been hard form me because I've felt as though I have been giving so much. Trying to take care of and support others (my teachers, a couple of teachers in particular who have been struggling, some of my friends, Emily working in this new role, and my grandma) and I haven't gotten a lot of love and attention back. I've always been pretty spoiled and selfish growing up and the whole being selfless thing is quite taxing and I'm not even sure I'm very good at it. I still don't think I've help some of these teachers much. Leadership has proven difficult in this sense. And so, I've been taking care of myself...independent I suppose. And I haven't done a horrible job, but I'm at the point now where I want someone to sit with me and listen to all my problems and hold me and encourage me and care. Emily is so unavailable without cell phone or computers where she is working which compounds things a bit. I've seen two spectacular fireworks shows the past couple of days and only wished I could hold her (although I did get to hold Tyler for a bit today which was nice). Anyways, I guess I'm just a bit drained emotionally from pouring out aid, support, and encouragement nonstop this week.I went with Grams to dinner (a rare feat for her) and my brother and Tyler joined us and then we saw the Cal Expo fireworks from the parking lot which were cool. Yesterday after SB I went with some of the teachers out to a River Cats game and it was definitely one of the top two best baseball experiences EVER!!! Sacramento lost, but we were the best cheerleaders the River Cats ever saw. So much fun. So, that's how I spent my holiday. Back to work in the morning. Oh my. And August with all the scariness of starting school again will be creeping up shortly. Ah!
Feeling: Overwhelmed (and I'm really not taking on that much)
2 comments:
you are many things mathew espinosa, but spoiled and selfish are not among them. everyone needs to take time for themselves sometimes and you do it entirely too little. I'm always here if you need me, and I still don't have a job so i'm super available! don't hesitate to call if you feel lonely or need some friendly encouragement. :)
amineh
Am I really to believe that you were WRITING IN YOUR JOURNAL while you were driving? While I commend your use of traffic time to pursue literary goals, are you sure that's safe?;)
Anyway, just wanted to say that this post put our conversation of today into some larger perspective. I'm glad you wrote:) And glad we talked:) You're awesome, mat:)
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