Selfishness

I did not grow up a caretaker. I did not have to take care of younger brothers and sisters. I did not have to cook with dinner. Heck, I didn't even have any chores most of the time. If anything, I was the one being taken care of, pampered and spoiled even. I didn't need to share with anyone given that my siblings were so much older than me. I spent a lot of time alone, but I also was not longing for attention. If I wanted attention I could get it. I happened to like being alone and playing by myself often.

So, I do not take on the nurturing role very quickly. I've learned a lot in the last few years, but I still have a long way to go. I am so used to putting myself first. I enjoy talking about myself. I find that I can be a conversation hog, and not because I don't want to talk about other people. I just feel so comfortable volunteering information, even when it is not asked. I like talking through my feelings or thoughts with others. So that is why I hate questions like, "How are you?" when you don't really mean it. Because I take that question as an invitation to evaluate how I'm doing and to share my thoughts with you. I have been told I share to much sometimes. =)

But then I am not good at asking the follow-up questions back at the other person. The "And you?"s that would give the other person an opportunity to talk. When I came home to Emily, I would tell her all about my day without being asked, but when she came home I often wouldn't ask her how her day was. I have learned that many people need some prodding to share and don't volunteer like I do, and I don't give them enough opportunities to share. I think this is kind of selfish, even if I don't mean to be. But I really like being in conversations with people who just volunteer a lot of information and feel comfortable talking about themselves. I am more conscious of achieving a balance in the conversation and having a more active participant helps relieve some of the guilt. Although, I know some people enjoy talking about others. I don't know.

When my mom was sick I had a really hard time taking responsibility to care for her. It was like I didn't know how. I didn't know what to do. I hadn't been trained. It was foreign. Same thing is happening with Grams. It seems like other people, my sister included, know exactly what to do. I don't know how, but it is like they anticipate other people's needs and do it without even being asked. Sometimes at a party I want to help, but I'm not always sure how. I'm the guy saying, "Is there anything I can do?" to which many people annoyingly reply "No, don't worry about it." And then I am left with, "Well, if you think of something, just let me know." I loved to be given a task because I love to help, I just can't come up always come up with what to do. I will end up pacing around looking for inspiration and it doesn't always come. Meanwhile, when I'm hosting a party and someone asks what they can do to help, I try to give them a job (if there is one) and be honest with them about what they can do. I do it because I know how it feels to want to help, but not know what to do. And then Emily or my sister would say, "Why are you having our guests wish the dishes?"

But I like the more honest approach to these discussions. I like it when you ask "How are you?" when you really want to know how someone is. I like when you ask, "Can I help you with something?" not out of courtesy, but because you really want to help. I like when you offer someone the last piece and you are really okay with them taking it, not just expecting them to do the traditional "No, thank you," and then you get it. I hate all the hidden rules of etiquette or whatever.

But that's a bid of a tangent. The other example I wanted to bring up is that when Stasia first moved to Portland, I didn't want her to like it, I didn't want to like it myself. Then when James moved there and Shahla and Joey were thinking of moving there, I really didn't want to like. I have been told this was extremely selfish of me, and upon reflection I would have to agree. I was just worried that everyone would leave me. That I would lose everyone to this city far away. I wanted them to be closer. And, as it turns out, I like Portland a lot. I know that it is a good fit for Stasia, James, and now Emily. I know they love it (or will love it). And I am glad for them.

But I am a selfish person! I was raised that way and it is hard to deny how you are raised. I hope that I balance it out somewhat. I try to be generous. I hope I offer support to friends and family. I am in a profession that requires generosity and giving to your students, colleagues, and school. But I just want to apologize to anyone who thinks I may take more than I give. I don't want to. Please tell me if there is anything I can do for you and I will do it. =) I love you.