Birthday Boy

I actually do feel older. It's not really because of my birthday though, I've just been feeling older gradually over the past few months. At least I feel old up until one of the parents of my students says, "Do you really think you're ready for this?" or "You look like you're about 12." I don't particularly like the feeling; it is pretty scary, but I can manage. I'm pretty prepared for adulthood, at least I have a profession that can provide a [moderate] living. But I'm looking forward to escaping back into the safe world of students when I go to school next semester. Things are so much more simple when you're in school.

Anyways, my birthday came and went in a blur. Thanks for all those you called or emailed or facebooked or sent a card/package. Birthdays are good for being reminded that you are loved. Still, seeing as it was a Monday, the day itself wasn't all that exciting. I was at school all day till 4pm. My students helped me celebrate. They helped me eat my Easter candy and they let me read aloud to them (one of my favorite pastimes). I rushed over to my grandma's for some birthday pizza and cake/ice-cream tradition. My uncle and cousin and Brian were all there and Bri brought his son, Tyler, which was a nice surprise. If I wasn't so darn tired, I probably would have enjoyed it more. But I had to rush from there to rehearsal at 6:30. We didn't get out till after 11!! I threw a little bit of a fit complaining about it being way too late and stormed out.

So rehearsals have been kicking my butt, but the past few rehearsals have actually gone really well. I'm finally comfortable with my lines and thinks have been running pretty smoothly. I can't wait to be out there in front of a real audience! That will make all the hell worthwhile. I hope some of you will be there. I'm also happier with the rehearsals cause they've been shorter. I think I made my point clear on Monday. Yesterday we ended really early and our director took us out for drinks afterwards. Although I'm not a huge beer fan, it was really nice hanging out with all of them for a while. And the diva wasn't even there! Actually, I do like her (sometimes), she's just hard to work with sometimes and makes me roll my eyes a lot.

Today I had my first day off in a while and my last day off for an even longer while. I still had to wake up at 6am so I could take the CBEST. Didn't miss it this time, in case you were wondering. It was such a stupid waste of money, but oh well. A lot of long-hand multiplication and addition in the math section which was so simple and basic, but tedious. There were also two essays that you had to write and one of them I actually enjoyed writing. It was about the pleasure of eating a favorite food. I wrote about the pleasant sensations brought about by the pumpkin pie and I kinda wanted a copy of what I wrote because I had a good time describing the sensory experience of eating a pumpkin pie and the pleasant memories it conjures. After the test, I feel like the rest of the day was a wash. I didn't do much, but I don't feel too bad about that. I just don't know when I'm going to see that kind of time again.

Anyways, all the busyness has kept me from reflecting very much, but one thing I did notice was an emptiness and disappointment pervading my birthday. I haven't been that sad and frustrated in a while. I'm sure part of it had to do with being tired and part of it had to do with not having enough time to spend it properly. But I think there also was a void from not being able to spend it with all the people I wanted to. My therapist wants me to be more satisfied with phone conversations, but it is just not the same. For example, my sister left me this great birthday voicemail (I was rehearsing when she called) and the kids got on and sang and Chasen played an electric toy guitar. I started crying listening to that message on my way home (at 11:30pm). I miss them so much and my day would have been so different, my life would be so different, if they were a more regular part of it. And I feel that way about a lot of people. And then there is the whole thing about wishing I could spend it with people I can't spend it with. My first birthday without my mom being there or at least sending me a care package. It left this dissatisfaction at the end of the day and I couldn't figure out why until just now.

The road ahead will be difficult, but it is paved with gold. I have many wonderful things ahead that keep me positive most of the time. It's hard to be depressed when you tell people about all the things you are doing or will be doing and they are so envious. And I know I have a lot of support and I'm not alone, which helps too. And, as Dumbledore says, it does not do to dwell in the past and forget to live.

Speaking of life, my cousin, Unique, had her baby April 19th. I'll include a picture of her and baby Zailen. The teacher I took over for had her baby the same day. I guess it is springtime cause they're dropping like rabbits!