So the most difficult feelings to bear have been loss and longing. Loss is such a complicated emotion. I find myself missing my mom terribly. Yet I conveniently blame the loss of her for everything that has changed with my family. As though if she were here, everything would be perfect. Just the way it was before. But would it? How could we ever know?
And I miss Emily. But what I really miss is a fantasy. I mean, what I want is for Emily not just to be with me, but to be happy with me. To be happy sharing my life in San Diego. To want to be here. But she doesn't. And I know she wouldn't be happy with me. So what do I miss? I miss something that doesn't even exist.
Chasing a fantasy only leaves you alone and out of breath. Maybe it is best to just give up. But how do you stop longing when the void left from the loss is so deep. I try to fill the void with more earth each day, but the void remains. How long will it take to fill? Or will it?
My attempt to keep everyone up to date on all the random occurrences of daily matness. CAUTION: what is interesting to Espi, may put you to sleep
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